Poolside Perspective returns Friday, June 21st.

Photo Credit The Awesome Terry Border

The countdown has begun.

Many neighboring school districts have already started.

We're last out of the starting gate with our Tuesday morning beginning, but barring anything unforeseen, I think (swalling hard), I'm ready.

The food has arrived.

The milk and bread have been ordered, due to arrive on Monday.

Produce may make an appearance on Tuesday.

Fingers crossed.

Guess there's nothing left to do but see what we can learn.

Tune in next week...

My mom's new property is not exactly close. Currently she is about three hours away and when I childishly complained about her doubling the distance between us with this move she retaliated with a "You don't come see me anyway."

I will admit, that is true. This is the reason why...

Oh don't let him fool you with that cute face and almost smile. He's secretly plotting my death. Just look how intensely he is staring.

I have already written an unanswered letter to him about his manners (or lack thereof) and quite frankly I am tired of him.

In a nutshell, here's what I learned down on the farm.

• Breaking up the trip. This was a fantastic idea! We drove halfway and stayed with my 85 year old grandmother, who is just a peach. She cooked dinner for everyone, let my inlaws come for food, prepared a breakfast and made us all chuckle with her funny stories. When it came time to leave, grandma, who was coming with us, decided to ride in the back with the kiddos so she could watch the movies. Talk about a hoot.


• Middle of nowhere. My mom's new place is isolated. It is eight-miles-on-a-dirt road isolated. I think they should keep a chainsaw in the truck just in case they need to cut a fallen tree out of the road. This "roughing it" mentality seems to appeal to some, but it doesn't appeal to me. While I imagine my husband would love a place like my mom's, he would not be living in it with me.


• Horses and flies. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Horses kind of freak me out. When depicted on TV they are always so cute and odor free. In real life they tend to be covered in flies and odoriferous. While I harbor no ill will to horses of any kind, I have no desire to own one, ride one or clean up after one.

• Rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey. After hours of rain with no TV, no Internet and not enough whiskey, the kids (and the adults) were excited to run around the playground, even if it took nearly an hour to get there.


• Not convinced. I hoped to find my mother excited about this next phase of her life and eager to take on all the challenges and opportunities that lie in store for her. Instead, she seemed depressed and uncertain and honestly, a little miserable. There are few things I know for sure and one is that life is too short to be miserable

I hope that life on the farm, formerly known for it's donkeys, turns out to be what both my stepfather and my mother are looking for.

It was hot this week.  Very hot.

That means everyone wanted to swim.  And I mean everyone.  Here's what I learned during week four of Poolside Perspective.

Holy Hair Batman.  We took a step back in time this week and paid homage to that ever so stylish 1980s big hair.  Big hair + Aqua Net = no amount of splashing is getting that thing wet.  The shields are up.



You juggle, I juggle, why not at the pool?  Words are just escaping me.  Was it too hot to practice for the big juggling show at home?  Was it safer to start with balls in the water and then move on to knives?  I just don't have an explanation.  You?

I'm done with the whistle.  You're in time out.  After blowing her whistle numerous times at some kids sliding headfirst and all at once, our cute little lifeguard had enough.  She calmly walked across the pool, pointed to each of the offenders and put them in timeout directly behind her lifeguard chair.  She is my hero.

Mr. Dick is a funny name.  I encourage my children to show respect by referring to adults by Mr.or Miss and then their first name, but honestly it is hard for me to keep a straight face when that name is Dick.  "Mr. Dick is throwing us the ball."  "Is it okay if he plays with Mr. Dick?"  "I told Mr. Dick I could flip off the dive."  "At least she's not climbing all over poor Mr. Dick."  See what I mean.

Again with the monokinis.  Last year I blasted these suits for being simply tasteless.  We saw them on every body size from tiny toddlers to obese adults.  This week I saw one on a pregnant lady.  It was as if that tiny piece of fabric along the front was the only thing keeping her from a public water birth.  It, my friends, was not pretty.  If you're considering the look, I implore you to reconsider.

What did you learn this week?



photo credit source

My gynecologist makes me laugh.

She's easy to talk to and answers all my questions.  She never rushes me along.

Today I learned that your blood pressure can be 114/68 and you can still be alive.  Seems really low to me but as discussed previously I am not a doctor

I learned that it's much easier to speak at career day if you are a lunchlady and not a gynecologist.

I verified that sadly your breasts do stop growing and I can finally put to rest that dream of a slightly larger cup size.

I learned that like the post office when they ask you if you are mailing anything hazardous, harmful or potentially dangerous, my doctor asks if there is anything else she should know about before she begins the exam.  Um...like??  Any new tattoos or piercings?  Seriously?  Does that happen a lot?

I learned that the chances of getting the handicap exam room are one out of three yet I've never been in any other room.  Coincidence or intentional?

I learned that doctor coats intentially have big holes in the sides of them so you can put your hands in your pants pockets.  Wouldn't it just be easier to put pockets in the coat?

I learned that I can personalize the above picture and give it as a gift.  Anyone else find that odd?  I mean they have a gynecologist and not a lunchlady.  You know you want to click the source link.

I laughed through the entire visit and just like at the pediatrician's office I left with a price--a pink slip for my very first mammogram.

Just imagine what I'll learn there!

Today I stepped out of the cafeteria and headed to a science center with a bunch of second graders, including my son.

Here's what I learned.

All bus rides that last more than ten minutes are SOoooooooo Looooonnnnng! My eye started to twitch a little after the fiftieth time I was asked "are we almost there?"

Yous listening to me? Our host was very funny, but her grasp of the English language was a little...um...lacking. I am pretty sure she used quite a few double negatives, quite a few youses, and one or two awhiles. "I didn't eat no breakfast..did yous?" "You can go in awhile but no running."

Five kids will never pick the same activity. It's like expecting a jury to come up with a unanimous verdict. The odds are not likely. One wants to shoot the tennis ball, one wants to build a rollercoaster, one wants to play in the water, one wants to shoot the parachutes and the other wants to see the lasers. Gettin to do them all=awesome.

Hurry up or the bus will leave without you. We almost left a big chunk of our party behind. The bus driver joked that he would have come back for them. I am not 100% positive he would of.

All playgrounds look alike. We stopped at a beautiful park on the way home and I asked my son if he had a good time. "Yep, I've always like that playground." um.... You've never been there. "I haven't?" nope. "oh. Well I liked it."


In conclusion, I learned that science can actually be fun (who knew) but that riding on the bus is boring. I learned that the ability to speak properly to students is not a job requirement, but it is important to make whatever you're saying entertaining. I learned that kids will never agree and that just eliminating the choice is the best route. I learned that it's important to be punctual or you might be walking home and I learned that pretty much all playgrounds look alike.

Yous learn anything today?

This week in the cafeteria I learned:

The bananas will get ripe when the bananas get ripe. I attempted to speed up the ripening process by lying the bananas out on trays and leaving them in the light. My sub told me God would make them ripe when he wanted them to be ripe. While I have no doubt the God grows bananas, I feel confident that he has other more pressing things to worry about. Perhaps we should open canned pineapple.

We are talking about thermometers, right? Conversation overheard: I didn't know you needed to clean it before you stuck it in and after you took it out. Umm yes. You need to clean the thermometer before and after testing. What did you think they were talking about?

Administrators in the kitchen. I've talked before about our awesome principal and how often she hangs out with us. This week we got to work with the district's business manager in his attempt to learn how everyone contributes to the school district. I learned that elementary kids will be angels when there's a man serving the beans.

Passwords, production papers and other random thoughts. If you are going to take the day off please tell your staff the computer password or they might have tech change it to WendyisAwesome and not tell you. Production papers should be entitled production papers not menus. I am starting to wonder if I am going to be able to find anything on my boss's computer next year.

Kids are like parrots. If you call your dog bastard at home it's a pretty safe bet that your child just might say that at school. You might want to reconsider. I hear Benji's a good name for a dog.

In conclusion, I learned to think outside the box when dealing with the elderly and their computers, I refrained from calling anyone a bastard, I kept the thermometers thoroughly clean, I prayed over green bananas and I taught someone who makes just a little bit more money than I do how to work the dishwasher.

What did you learn this week?

except with a hair net...

What did you learn this week?

This week there was laughter, forgetfulness, singing, dancing and downright silliness and I haven't even told you about the kids.

Here's what I learned.

There is such a thing as a free lunch. I've always been under the impression that there was no such thing as a free lunch but apparently we even offer coupons. I had no idea!

Changing lunch always causes confusion. Some of our students were exceptionally disappointed when they thought we were having popcorn chicken and it turned out we were having egg sandwiches. Um...which came first the chicken or the egg?

Cooking is a job requirement. It's always a little unnerving when you realize that lunch starts in 45 minutes and you have forgotten to make a major portion of it. It also makes you laugh...a lot.

pomegranate slushies make messes. Turns out deep purple slushy messes on spoons will make slasher streaks on the wall near the silverware chute. Sort of like a scene from CSI.

Is there sausage in this sausage? A third grader asked me if there was cooked sausage in his sausage link. I was somewhat confused by the question so he clarified, "Are these like the sausages you get at home where you just have to heat em up?" umm...yes. Our sausage linker is broken... :-)

This week we served lunch four out of five days. This is PA people--the first day of buck is a National Holiday

Here's what I learned this week.

Corndogs are not Pigs in a Blanket. We were supposed to have corndogs but our order has been a little off lately. Instead we got one case of corndogs and two identical cases labeled pigs in a blanket. Really? Turns out my grandma's been making those wrong...they are really mini sausages wrapped in pancake. We served the "corndogs" with syrup. No one really noticed.

Playboy makes childrens clothing.. I know...I was a little surprised too until a kindergartener came in sporting a black jacket with the words PLAYBOY across the chest and pink playboy bunnies inside the hood.

Elementary language is contagious. It's true. A kindergartener referred to the cafeteria as the "bacteria" and our beloved custodian asked me to draw a chimley for his Cristmas display. Sadly, I am not immune. I asked if I should cut up some vegibles for the salads. it's a good thing we can laugh at ourselves.

There's no fruit! A third grade boy loudly declared that we were completely out of fruit. We stopped serving to fetch more only to find out that there were numerous cups of peaches. His response..."oh I thought those were carrots."

Santa breakfast is worth the work. We had tons of fun serving pancakes and sausages to the kiddos today. Santa took time out of his busy schedule to visit with us. There were tons of smiling faces.

What did you learn this week?



Photo credit Terry Border (click photo to see more of his work)

I am happy to report that I have picked myself up off the ground and no longer feel like the downed wooden spoon pictured here.

Fore that I have you to thank.  This funk is getting better because of my great friends both here in blog land and IRL.  Thanks.

This week in the cafeteria I learned a lot.

Most of the kids aren't rude:  I made a new bulletin board reminding the kids to say please and thank you and most of them are.  Sometimes they need a prompt of two (occasionally more) but most of them are doing it.

Our teachers ROCK.  Some of the other lunch ladies complain A LOT about the teachers in their building, but I can honestly say that the teachers in our building treat us with respect.  The kindergarten teachers (who go through the lunchline) have been reminding their kids to be polite and respectful to us and for that I am truly grateful.  After all, you can't fault a child for not using manners until you teach them what manners are.

We laughed a lot. I think laughter is great medicine.  I missed my fall beach trip this year and I think that was one of the reasons I was in such a funk.  This week, however, we laughed a lot in the cafeteria and I think it is helping me get back into the swing of things.

Words of Affirmation.  I've talked a lot about love languages and how I clearly receive love with words of affirmation (hence the reason I am always begging for adoring comments).  That being said, this week I got a lot of positive feedback from my immediate co-workers, from the teachers, from the administration, even from the director of our department.  It meant a lot to me to know that maybe the things we do, while menial sometimes, really do matter.

A kindergartner remembered my name.  I've joked before that our building is small enough that it is possible to know all the students by their name.  This one little boy always seemed amazed when I would call him by his first name.  I joked with him often about when he would remember my name.  One day he told me that he would remember my name when he "growed up and worked here."  A few days ago, when I said hi to him, he said "Hi Miss Wendy. See I tolded you I'd remember your name and I said please and thank you today."

Perhaps, they are listening.

What did you learn this week?

It's the end of the first marking period and October is almost over. As further proof that mother nature is a fickle bitch we are supposed to have 5-8 inches of snow tomorrow in time for our 1 p.m. Soccer game.

This does not lend me to believe that we are going to have any easy winter,

That being said, here's what I learned in the cafeteria this week.

Processed chicken...it's what's on the menu. I don't eat processed chicken. It scares me. Most likely because I have seen this.

That being said, American school children LOVE processed chicken. It finds its way onto our school menus TWICE a week in the form of chicken balls, chicken sticks, chicken nuggets, chicken patties and tenders. What saddens me most about this, is that my own children want to buy it ALL the time. Ugh.

Don't be rude. Sometimes the lack of manners gets to me. Sometimes the down right rudeness pushes my buttons. Sometimes I have a nervous breakdown and want to writeup all the little brats in second grade as well as a few third graders. This week alone I had a kid stick their tongue out at me, kick me to get my attention, ask what is taking so long, whine because the water dispenser was empty even though the water fountain is less than 10 steps away, bark at me because their was no BBQ sauce, and stab a classmate in the hand with a fork.

Forks are a privledge, not a right. I am looking forward to next week when we no longer provide forks for third grade. Can't be responsible, than your privledge is revoked. Good luck eating your salad with a spoon.

Is it rice or oatmeal? It is never a good sign when the students can't tell what it is you just put on their tray. It's an exceptionally bad sign when the adult aides have to ask if it's oatmeal or rice. Um...I don't think the rice should stay in the shape of the scooper. That's just my opinion.

Cute kids outweigh the rude ones. We had our annual Halloween dance last night complete with crafts, pumpkin painting, and a rockin DJ. I received countless hugs from ninjas, princesses, werewolves and angry birds. One stickin' cute kindergarten pirate asked me to dance and I forgot all about the rude kids above.

What did you learn this week?

Even though this week was short due to the Columbus Day holiday, I can honestly say I am thankful it is Friday.

Here's what I learned.

Offering choices sucks. I am soooo tired of offering kids a choice of a cold veggie or a hot veggie. No one listens. You repeat yourself continuously. And responses often do not include Yes, please or No thank you.

Kids notice everything. Change your haircolor they will notice. Wear bannana earings and they will notice. Nearly drop the pizza and they will definately notice.

Don't try to scare the pee out of someone unless your bladder is empty. My co worker scared me and almost wet herself. This caused me to laugh randomly the rest of the day.

Confetti Fries.. This is our version of a healthy fry. It is regular fries mixed with sweet potatoe fries. Um...this week they battled it out against carrots and when the kids loudly proclaimed fries. Many asked why I mixed the carrots in with them. Something about an orange fry...

I am a rock star. I read a book called Lunch Bunnies to a class of kindergarteners today. I love how they cheer my name and are always glad I came.

Now to get paid like a rock star.

What did you learn this week?

Once a month we are allowed to have a nervous breakdown and this week I had mine. Here are just a few reasons why.

TOO MANY QUESTIONS: My coworker asked just one too many questions on Thursday. Usually I can block this out but for some reason the fact that she asked 52 questions about sausage before 10 am set me off.

SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE THIS. What is it? That be the rotten orange at the bottom of the box.

IT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE: I will be the first to admit that the cafeteria doesn't attract the most intelligent employees but do they really need to be this specific on the pizza box? Really?

YOU CAN HEAT THE BISCUTS BUT... you can't make them eat em. After being told repeatedly that heating the rolls would be a HUGE pain, this week we heated biscuts to serve with popcorn chicken. In case you didn't know biscuts and rolls are clearly not the same. Kids throw them away just the same

iROAR BUBBLES BLOW. I helped at an iRoar assembly this week and got stuck at the bubble station. 200 kids and soapy water. What could go wrong?? Even though it was messy, I must admit it was tons of fun!

In conclusion, knock off the questions, keep your hands off the moldy oranges, follow the instructions percisely, warm biscuts are way better than cold rolls and, while messy, bubbles can always make you smile.

What did you learn this week?

photos credit Terry Border

 It's time again to review what we learned in the school cafeteria this week.

Paper Trays can be confusing.  We were down an employee as my boss took a couple personal days.  Because it was just the two of us we served on paper trays.  It makes me smile when I see the kindergartners lining up at the dish window to drop their plastic spoon and paper tray.  They look so confused when I tell them they can throw those away too.

Are you her other grandma?  A second grader asked my co-worker if she was another students grandmother.  I nearly died of laughter as my co-worker is only in her early 40s.  Ouch...grandma should be a four letter word.

Bye Bye Milk.  We now have to provide water in a fancy-dancy jug for all the kids to play with use.  Unfortunately, because it is such a novelty, those little buggers have taken to tossing out their milk.  We probably had at least 60 unopened milks tossed each day this week.

Kiwi and Pizza.  Our fresh fruit today was sliced kiwi.  I was convinced that few would take it but much to my surprise we ran out before the end of lunch.  I heard a few kindergartners talking about the weird "grapes" and how good they were.  Um...at least they tried it.

In this corner...strawberry milk.  We've been in school for one whole month.  In a never before seen event, strawberry milk is kicking chocolate milk's butt.  Nearly the entire incoming kindergarten class is drinking pink milk.  They've told me that "it's willy good."  I'm not so sure.

In conclusion, we learned that when in doubt take it to the dish room, pink milk is better than chocolate milk but water wins hands down when it comes out of a cute little dispenser, kiwi can be confused with a grape and you are never to young to look like someones grandma.

That last one still makes me shudder.

What did you learn this week?

This week, mama kat challenged me to give some advice to new parents. Never wanting to pass up an opportunity to make a list, here is my advice.

Relax. This isn't gonna be easy. You will be sleep deprived. Your MIL will be telling you one thing and your mother will be telling you something else.

Babies cry. Some more than others. There isn't anything you can do about it. If you need to take five, you should,

Babies sleep. Some more than others. There is nothing you can do about it. Adding cereal to their diet..won't help. In fact, it might make it worse.

Do your best. What worked for your mom might not work for you. What worked for you might not work for me. All we can do is our best.

Enjoy it. Friends will promise you it will get easier, but I am here with the truth. Each age has different challenges but it also has really cool rewards. It is exhausting when the kids are newborns, but as they grow they reveal their unique personalities.

Oh don't get me wrong they will still exhaust you, but it will all be worth it.

Dear Little G.,

At the start of second grade, I wanted to write down some of my hopes and expectations for you.

Your age sneaks up on me.  I think it is because you are the youngest.  In my head you're my baby, but in reality you aren't a baby at all.

You are almost 8. 

You are one of the oldest (and smallest) kids in your class.

I hope that second grade provides you with a better reading foundation.  You still hate to read, which as a writer, breaks my heart.

You struggle with it and because of that you really don't like it. 

I hope that second grade builds up your confidence and that you aren't so worried about what other people think.  It's important to remember that it doesn't matter who finishes first or who has more written in their journal.

I hope that second grade shows you that it is okay to ask for help when you are struggling.  I hope that you learn to ask more questions and to seek more answers.

I hope that second grade brings you more friends, more laughs and more adventures. 

I hope that second grade is even better than 1st.

Love,

Mommy

Make Your Own Swimsuit. Ok...this suit scares me. Does it really have a zipper and a button? How does that work when it is wet. Um...wouldn't your reason for making a swimsuit be more along the lines of modesty. So why a two piece. I am just confused.

Gender confusion. I realize that longer hair on boys is in style and can be done in a very cute, not confusing sort of way. In fact, I would love my hubby to let his hair shag out a little, but alas he refuses. That being said, if your elementary age son has hair down to his ass and multiple people gasp when he gets in the pool because they think your daughter has lost her shirt it might be time to reconsider the hair style.

You can't protect them from everything. I am not a big fan of this contraption. Wow. I mean it goes around the waist and attaches to the arms and who knows where else. Um...what do you think is gonna happen? Here's what I have seen happen...your boy trips before he even makes it to the water because you thought givinig him a noodle in addition to this contraption was an even better idea and now both of his legs are bloody. Smart. Very smart.

It ain't that cold. B and I watched a grown women get into the pool this week and make a face as if she had just stepped into water in the artic. She didn't just make the face once, but multiple times as she walked deeper attempting to adjust to the artic temps. Um...seriously...it's August. How cold can it be?

Don't try to creep me out. I had a stalker at the pool this week. He wouldn't stop staring at my friend S and I. We figured his staring was for one of three reasons. Either it was because he could clearly see up her skirt, he heard about "the incident" at the lake when my swim top flopped open or he hoped that I might decide to put sunscreen all over my friend. Hey creepy...go watch someone else....

In conclusion, we learned that we should never make our own swimsuit no matter how on sale the fabric is, kids can hurt themselves even when wrapped in bubble tape, if people don't know the gender of your child then you should consider cutting his hair, the water can't be cold-as-the-artic in August and if you're gonna blantantly stare, at least put on sunglasses.