Holy Crap!  I learned a lot this week and I only worked three days!  Imagine the wealth of knowledge I would be able to share with you if I actually worked five days!

Go get the alcohol.  Clearly this means something totally different to me than it does to my boss.  She meant the alcohol wipes we use to clean our thermometers.  I thought she had a secret stash I wasn't aware of.

If you're in your 90s chances are you won't die of congenital heart failure.  Ever have one of those words that just doesn't sound right.  I was trying to relay how my grandma's brother passed away and when I said congenital it sounded so wrong.  My co-workers laughed and corrected me.  They said congestive.  They mocked me most of the day about my congenitals, but I was still convinced that it was a real word.  Those to just wouldn't be swayed until our Dr. Principal concurred.  She must feel like a genius when she eats with us.

Kids have no idea what chili is.  We had chili this week and a lot of our kids were thrown for a loop.  One exceptionally articulate kindergartner nearly started to cry, insisting that he didn't order soup that he ordered hot lunch.  When I offered to (gasp) change his lunch to PB&J or a turkey sandwich his response, "I do so like turkey sandwiches."

Keep the hot water in the pan.  I managed to spill very hot water down the front of my pants.  It involved pulling slotted pans from a steamer and not realizing just how much water was still in there.  This incident prompted two things: an immediate visit to the bathroom to apply burn cream and the idea for a line of injured-at-work greeting cards.  "Heard you got all hot and bothered at work this week."

Everyone looks the same from behind.  Ok...not everyone.  We were all sitting down to lunch when a teacher from another building hollered to us, "Have you seen Dr. Principal?".  Um...no...oh wait.  She's just sitting right here beside me.  The teacher's response, "Oh, I didn't realize.  You look just like everyone else, I mean, well, not that, um...can I talk to you for a minute." 

Wait...are you saying lunch ladies look a certain way?





Say no to crack.  The last thing I learned this week was be careful just how low the rise of your pants falls.  There is a lot of bending in this job and your co-workers might not want to see your ass crack. 

This last one sort of proves that there is a certain look to lunch ladies, doesn't it?

What did you learn this week?

The curtain is about to set on this week and I learned A LOT.

The oven is an important piece of equipment.  Ever since reading the book Save Me by Lisa Scottoline in which an elementary school explodes and all the lunchladies die, I've been ever so slightly obsessed with gas leaks.  We had a teeny one this week which was promptly fix but then the oven decided that it would not cook the following day.  Talk about plan B.  We got the chicken cooked by the fries mocked us.  So we served salad.

Feta Cheese smells different to children.  The kiddos were learning about Israel this week so we served a lovely fish nugget meal with a feta, tomato and cucumber salad.  More than once, some helpful kindergartners told me they were "pretty sure somebody fro'd up in there."  If I tell em' that's the cheese, do you think they'll still taste it?  In their defense, it has been Puke-a-palooza this week at school.  We've got kids droppin' left and right from the Puke-a-saurus Virus.  Here's hoping I can continue to fend that one off.

Hummus can be mistaken for peanut butter.  Also part of our Tastes of Israel, we served a quarter of a pita bread spread with hummus.  Let's just say that if you're thinking peanut butter and you bite into hummus, you're gonna be disappointed.

I'll have a 1 oz serving of new regulations with a side of Mesclun.   I learned this week that starting next year protein servings for K-8 drop from 2 oz. to 1 oz. of protein.  If the kids are already upset with four chicken nuggets does that mean next year they only get two?  Also dark green and orange veggies need to be served three or more times a week.  I'm not sure about mesclun (pictured above) or butternut squash.  Personally, those are hard sells for grown ups.

There is a good chance that I'm not smarter than a lunchlady manager.  I decided to apply for my boss's position as Cafeteria Manager.  Turns out you have to take a five page written test for this position and I didn't study.  Um...admitting that this test was difficult probably makes me look really stupid, but I feel confident that you guys will give me some comment love.  Here are some examples of the questions.

You have an employee who is refusing to wear a hairnet, what do you do?  Not sure why there were four lines for the answer because my approach needed a lot fewer lines.

After being the manager for one year, give me three words each that the students, the teachers, the administrators, and the Child Nutrition Director will use to describe you?  I hope employed is in there somewhere...LOL

How many cups are in 30 gallons?  If you have 497 students eating cheeseburgers and the burgers come in 30 lbs cases and each case has 6 sleeves of 9 hamburgers how many cases do you need?  How many dozen buns?  How many flats of buns is that if each flat contains 30?  Um....um...umm

Above is a sample menu for breakfast and for lunch.  Under the current Foodservice guidelines are they reimbursable meals?  If not, what would you add? 

Did I mention this was five pages?

What did you learn this week?

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat...please put a penny in the old man.s hat!  Um...there is something in the air and I'm blaming it on the fat guy in the red suit.  He has a habit of winding kids up.

Here's what I learned:

Not all pears are created equal.  Dear Harvest of Eden Pear Provider...your pears suck. I wouldn't feed them to elementary kids even if they were the only pears left on the planet.  They are canned far to early.  They are not ripe.  They have brown bumps all over them.  What are those brown bumps.  If there really is an Eden at your company, can you have her call me.  We need to talk pears.

Hot or Cold Veggies.  I have lamented numerous times about offering veggie choices.  It is time consuming and wasteful.  This week corn was kicking salad's arse.  I made it through most of kindergarten before I realized that they thought I was saying POPcorn instead of HOT corn.

Do you hear what I hear?  I got my co-worker an elf hat with a bell on the end.  It entertained her the entire day and her constant jingling made me laugh.  Of course, it was even better when she would inadvertently hit herself in the face with the bell.  Now. that. is. funny.

Stuffing balls. Next week is our dreaded Holiday Meal.  A big mess that goes down the garbage disposal.  In fact, I may videotape some of that waste.  In order to make the day a little more fun I bought myself a new hat. Can you guess what we are having?  My hat is kind of like giving everyone the bird. LOL
Holiday parties.  We had our annual Child Nutrition Department Staff Holiday Party this week.  It was so much easier when I could call that the Lunch lady Christmas Party and then we had to hire some lunch men.  Some how the party went from a sit down chicken dinner to a pizza party at the middle school.  The menu was a little lame, but I laughed a lot.  Don't tell anyone, but I can have fun pretty much anywhere.

What did you learn this week?

Today was Taste It Tuesday.

I'm sure you are wondering why you didn't get the memo.

Here's the scoop.  Our food service director wants to get our meal participation numbers up and seeing as we have little more than 25 days of school left she came up with the idea of allowing all students to have free breakfast every Tuesday during the month of May.

Let me explain the reasoning behind it.  As with everything that our government is in charge of, this may make limited sense.  But in a nutshell, or maybe I should say eggshell, the more kids that eat school breakfast and/or lunch, the more money our school gets.

It has something to do with untapped federal dollars and other random "governmenty" things. 

The thought behind Taste It Tuesday (which I'm proud to say I cleverly named) is the kids will love school breakfast so much that they will want to come again.

I don't know if it will work, but what the heck, I'm up for an adventure.

Today was the first of five and out of 206 students we served nearly 150 for breakfast.  Keep in mind that breakfast is usually served from 8:20 to 8:35 every morning.  That's not a lot of time to get through the line and actually eat.

Thankfully, our principal allotted some extra time and surprisingly we handled things quite well.  Some of the kindergartners were a little overwhelmed having never come to breakfast before but all in all everyone did very well.

I will say this--next Monday night I'm going to get more sleep.

This week was very short.  Only three days but for some reason it felt much longer.  I can't really explain it, but these three days felt like nine.

Here's what I learned.

• chicken, chicken, chicken.  We served lunch three days this week.  Two of those days we served chicken.  One day we had chicken tenders--the kids only get two and they complain the entire time.  Of course, if they actually ate the broccoli, the Alfredo noodles, and the fruit they are given they wouldn't be STARVING when they got home, but alas they only eat the processed chicken parts.
• fortune cookies.  Attention fortune cookie manufacturers--I would like to suggest three things: (1) Stop putting SOY in your cookies.  This limits our ability to serve them.  (2)  Pick an oil:  Either peanut, soybean, or vegetable but pick one.  When you put things on your label that indicate that the cookies could have been made with this or may have been made with that you not only look stupid but you limit our ability to serve them.  (3)  This one may be the most important.  Come up with fortunes kids would care about and can understand.  When a 5-year old opens a fortune about meeting love at work it is meaningless to them.  Here are a few suggestions:  Math will be easy for you today-- You are Great at Reading --Your next birthday will be the bestest ever! -- Your Lunch lady is Really a Princess.
• Zippers.  I thought urine in the lunch line was bad but this week we may have had something more...here's what I know.  I'm serving lunch.  It's 1st grade.  Suddenly at least five girls all start saying the same things.  They include:  "He's taking something out of his pants."  "Why is he touching his zipper."  "Don't do that!"  "EWWWWWW...."  I don't know what happened but I sent him to the office with his lunch tray.

Guess where the valve is? **hint**  Carrots really shouldn't have legs..

• Helium balloons.  My co-worker used to work at a balloon factory or something like that.  She is a jack of all trades.  She can easily manipulate a straw into a helium balloon and through the valve so she can suck the helium and manipulate her voice to sound like Alvin from the Chipmunks.  **FYI:  This really isn't a marketable skill** For me, it's difficult to watch if balloon looks like a giant carrot with legs and the valve is located where it's zipper should be.

What did you learn this week?

This week was only four days long.  We're on holiday break until next Wednesday.  My weekend plans involve a lot of family so I'm planning on picking up some wine.

Here are a few things I learned this week:

• Ingredients are worth reading:  We had hamburgers earlier this week.  Two different cases arrived.  I realize the pictures are fuzzy but even without looking you can clearly tell that one package contains little more than beef and the other package contains, not only a soy allergy warning, but about 12 things I can't pronounce.  I brought this to the attention of our Food Service department and I'm hoping that I don't see Case No 9780 anymore.
• Syrup.  It never fails.  If a kid is going to spill their little, tiny syrup cup it's gonna land directly on their crotch.  It's amazing how much syrup those little cups hold.  I just send them straight to the nurse for new pants.
• Jelly Beans .  My boss bought enough jelly beans and gummy bunnies for the entire school...even the packers.  We waited until the first lunch wave was seated and then we delivered our holiday surprise.  Much to our annoyance by the time the other waves started to arrive they all were very EXPECTANT of jelly beans.  Lots of little kids saying, "Hey where's my jelly beans?"  and "How come I didn't get no jelly beans?"  Really?  I realize they are at the age when fairness is key but give us a chance before you start demanding. 
• The name game.  I had a dream that we were going to start naming meals after teachers and other staff.  This became a really fun game we played most of the week.  Mrs. D's Delicious Potato Bowl, Mrs. Z's small snack of cheeze-its, Dr. P's perfect peas, Mrs. W's terrific tator tots.  We might come up with a menu board for the start of next year.

What did you learn this week?

• Cheesey Broccoli.  This stuff doesn't come off of trays.  Even in an 180 degree dishwasher.  Curious.
• Head Injuries.  My son cracked his head HARD on the gym floor this week.  I thought the school nurse was over-reacting a little when she told me he needed to be seen by a doctor.  However, on the way to the pediatrician's when he threw up all over the van, I realized that perhaps she was correct.  Mild concussion.  He is much better now.  Thank....GOD.
• Taco Salad.  When one of the three workers in the cafeteria has to leave for a family emergency (a.k.a. head injury) serving taco salad alone can be complicated....but not impossible.
•  Bad Words.  The public park our students play at during lunch recess was decorated with some colorful language courtesy of some neighborhood holigans.  The little kids kept telling me they saw "bad words" all over the place.  "How do you know they're bad?" I asked.  "'Cause we ain't allowed to say them."
• $$$$.  Nothing lowers moral more than talks of budget cuts and position relocations.  Here's hoping that, at least for a few days, we can all focus on more positive things.

What did you learn this week?

Here are just a handful of the things that I learned in the cafeteria this week.

• Doritos are nutritious.  Um...okay.  That's a bit of a stretch.  It continues to be an enigma to me how a bag of Doritos, a cup of cheese, a cup of taco meat, some lettuce, some tomatoes and a spoonful of salsa qualifies as a reimbursable meal.  I mean even if eaten with the Mexican rice and the fruit cup, it can't possibly be considered healthy.
• Heritage meals.  Our tiny elementary does a number of these meals.  The kids are taught facts about Fiji, Morocco, Egypt and Portugal (just to name a few) and then they are given the opportunity to try some foods from the region.  Sadly, I don't think the kids like the foods much.
• Pears are a member of the rose family.    Really?  I mean how can that be right?  Turns out they are one of the healthiest natural foods you can eat.  They provide a ton of fiber and have few calories.  Of course, convincing a child to try one...now that's like trying to stay dry during a thunderstorm.
• Syrup.  Breakfast used to be served on Styrofoam trays (gasp) and then we were told to come up with ways to save money and we thought maybe throwing away all that stuff wasn't the most cost effective thing to do so we decided to use "real" trays.  After a month of this, it can be confirmed with out much objection that children bathe their trays with syrup.  We have tried to teach them to dip their pancakes or to dunk their french toast stix but alas we have learned that this is a terribly difficult task.
• Groping.   Today I had on a new shirt.  It has a row of smiling peas holding a flag across the front that says "Give Peas A Chance".  A second grader took his hands clear across the front of those peas today, touching both my breasts along the way.  "What are those?" he asked, innocently(??)  "Peas," I said,  pulling his hand away, "and let's ask without touching next time."

We took down the Valentine's Day decorations and started to put up some St. Patrick's Day items.  We started a lengthy discussion about why we celebrate St. Patty's day.  Even after Googling it, I can't say for sure why we do.  Can anyone enlighten me?

What did you learn this week?

What happened to last week?  Is is really Monday?

I'm a little lost.

Here's what I learned last week in the cafeteria.

• No Snow Makes for A LOOOOONNNGGGG week.  This was the first week in a long time that we didn't have a snow day or a two hour delay and let me tell ya I was feeling it.  Can you say afternoon nap?
• Kids View Age Differently than Adults.  My co-worker turned 42 last week (gasp).  Our school announces all the birthdays in the building during morning announcements and when the kids were coming through at lunch they were all wishing her Happy Birthday.  One little boy said at least your not over the hill like my mom.  She's 40!  Baaahaaa....
• Boys don't like Valentines Day  Third grade boys don't like Valentines Day.  Some of them act like they are allergic to pink.
• Mean girls exist in all ages.   If there's one thing that gets my blood boiling it's mean girls.  Girls who box you out of the lunch table; girls who say things like 'You're not my friend anymore'.  Girls who act like they are better than you.  I had to talk with a few of them last week about what it's like to be the girl that no one will sit with.  It's sad to see this on the elementary level.
• Government Egg Patties look like breast pads.  This one is kind of self explanatory.  They would fit perfectly into a nursing bra which is somewhat frightening.  You'll be happy to know that the words Le Leche didn't appear anywhere on the box.  I know because I checked.

What did you learn last week?

This week was filled with wild and crazy and the kids were a little out there too.  I find that I don't really need to watch the weather channel as I can tell when we will be getting snow just based on how the students are behaving.

Here's what I learned this week:

Lunch duties are difficult for those over 70:  My co-worker lost her grandma this week and took a day off to attend funeral services.  We were blessed to have a sub but I must tell you I was surprised by her age.  She seemed to have a lot of trouble performing tasks like cleaning the tables, rapidly putting dishes away and moving faster than 5 m.p.h.

Kids are always honest:  Even when it comes to things that happen in their homes, kids will just tell it like they think it is.  I asked a 2nd grader about his new haircut and he told me "my dad drank 6 beers and then cut my hair...I don't think it was a good idea."

Rotten milk makes for a bad breakfast:  We had a few days off to mark the end of the marking period and for report card preparation.  We thought our milk was going to be fine, the dates were all good and we had no reason to believe they would spoil.   Until breakfast the day we came back and the kids dumped rotten chocolate milk on their fruit loops.  Let me tell you, that is a real gag reflex test.

Early release for weather:  When snow starts falling hard enough to require an early release, lunch time becomes something crazy and sporadic.  I was very thankful that I wasn't in charge and just had to go with the flow.

Picture day and BBQ chicken.  These two days can not walk hand in hand.  Thankfully, picture day was rescheduled.  Hopefully not for pasta and meatball day.

Two hour delay and re inspection day:  We were reinspected as per the state requirement. Apparently a perfect rating on Thanksgiving dinner isn't impressive enough.  We had to get another perfect on a two hour delay while working with a substitute.  What can I say...we ROCK!

What did you learn this week?

I had a minor nervous breakdown today at 3rd grade lunch.  We were serving popcorn chicken, fries, assorted fruit and a roll for lunch today.

We went out of our way to make special chicken for the two kids in the building allergic to the popcorn kind.

We put out carrots and ranch dip even though they weren't on the menu.

We put out sweet and sour sauce.

We put out honey mustard sauce.

We put out BBQ sauce.

We put out mayo, ketchup and mustard.

And what do the kids say? 

"Get me some butter!"   "Do I need to tell a teacher on you or are you gonna get the butter?"  "Why ain't their jelly?"  "Where are the knifes?"  Knifes?  Really?

To top it off they don't even ask to leave the cafeteria to use the restroom.  They just sort of tell you.

"Hey, yo I'm going to the bathroom."

Hey, yo???

Surely you aren't talking to a grown up are you?

After everyone was seated the aide blew her whistle and we loudly explained to them that if they continue to be rude they will not be given any condiments.  Last time I checked that stuff wasn't on the menu.  So in other words it can be removed at anytime. 

Ask nicely, yo!  Or you ain't getting no butter for that roll!

I, like usual, am behind on my life.

I am certain that I have been late to everything for more than a week.

Today was our Christmas holiday meal at work and I could barely muster up enough energy to dress like Santa and serve the kids the same thing I served them at Thanksgiving.

Stupid Stuffing Balls.

I don't want to see gravy for at least a month.

That being said I'm still not completely done Christmas shopping.  I still have to find something for my husband.  I have very little wrapped.  I have unfinished craft projects.

I'm celebrating with my mom and step dad this weekend and I can't remember where I hid their presents.

I really need a day off.

It's funny how much you can learn when you are forced to be in charged.  My stint as cafeteria manager continues as I learned this week that my boss cannot return until after the Christmas break.

That being said, I now have to handle the Christmas holiday meal; which includes stuffing balls.  I really don't like stuffing balls.  The good news is that a new sub will be helping me beginning Monday.  This, quite frankly, is the only news that is keeping me from drinking heavily.

I learned this week that kindergartners will stand at the condiment table until someone puts a rice krispy treat on their tray.  When asked why they didn't just get one and go they will say "I can't pick it up whiles I'm holding my food."  They will say this with a look on their face to indicate that they now believe that you have just asked them the most idiotic question of the day.

I learned that when working with two substitutes you need to be extremely specific.  For example, you can not say things like "Use a one ounce scoop and a two ounce cup and give the kids a heaping scoop of nacho cheese."  If you say that your sub will overflow the two ounce cups and say "That's what you said to do."

Really?  I said overflow the cheese cups that we are going to hand to 5 year olds after they have been in the warmer?  That's doesn't sound like something I would say.

I learned that just when you think you've heard everything your sub will berate a teacher right in front of her class because her students weren't in line properly.  You will then be forced to confront your sub and explain to her how to speak to people as if she were a 1st grade student.

I learned that after encouraging your sub to apologize to said offended teacher that they may write a note to said teacher that says things like "I am sorre that I was not nice."  You will then realize that your sub is functionally illiterate and that by reporting her to the administration you may have contributed to her likely termination.

This revelation will not make you feel like a good person, even though you did nothing wrong.

I learned that even after having one of the craziest days in the cafeteria to date that you can still be surprised.  In fact it is possible that the company who provides your milk will show up just as you are about to leave and indicate that they have to take your chocolate milk because, get this, it contains some eggnog.

Your heart will race trying to quickly ascertain as to whether or not you may just have inadvertently given eggs to a child with an egg allergy.  You will sigh with relief that you do not have an egg allergy in your building.

I learned that when chocolate milk is not offered at breakfast kids will cry.  They also will not take white milk and you will have to walk around the cafeteria making sure that everyone eating has something to drink.

After a week like this one, I learned that improvisation is a lunch ladies most vital tool.

What did you learn this week?

I've been a blog slacker as of late and for that I apologize.  It's been a while since I've posted what I've learned in the cafeteria and since I've been in charge for half a month I've learned even more.

1. Kids will say the craziest things are the craziest times:  Recently I was serving pancakes with a sub who was pulling them out with tongs.  Occasionally the tongs would rip one of the pancakes.  When this happened to a kindergartner he looked up at me and said "Hey!  Miss W, did you bited my pancake?"  The superintendent was in the kitchen just in time for the remark.
2. Lettuce doesn't last long unless you want it to:  If I want lettuce to last, it can't make it past three days.  If I don't need it, it last for a week.  What's up with that?
3. It's okay to process a chicken but not stuffing:  Seriously, how many of you make your Thanksgiving stuffing from scratch?  Am I the only person thankful for Stovetop?  Imagine my face when I learned I would have to make the stuffing for our Thanksgiving feast from scratch for tomorrow's lunch.  Thank God for retired head cooks willing to help a girl out.
4. No one uses recipes:  For example some of the head cooks put some kind of syrup in their sweet potatoes.  I thought you just added brown sugar.  Have you ever drained baked beans?  I don't drain them when I make them at home.   Who knew you had to drain them at school. 
5. A brain is a terrible thing to waste: The amount of things one has to remember as a head cook is astronomical.  Order the bread, order the food, call for the milk, take into account the holidays, know how this effects the delivery schedule, pull out the breakfast for the next day before you leave, turn in the time cards or no one gets paid, divy out all the jobs, don't offend the substitutes (which is a lot harder than it sounds) take care of all the lunch accounts, feed the teachers.  This is just off the top of my head.
6. Doing the job and not being paid for it.  I understand completely why my boss makes significantly more money than I do.  I wish I made her rate while I was filing in.
7. Thanksgiving is wasteful:  I have visions of Indians watching from the stars as tomorrow the K-3 kids throw away more food than their tribe had in a year.  Most of the fresh stuffing balls, the turkey, the gravy and the corn will go down the garbage disposal.
8. Stewed tomatoes.  Even though I know that most statistic are made up I can tell you that 95 percent of the K-3 students in my building do not like stewed tomatoes.  Apparently it is an Amish tradition to dump those little blobs of goo onto of your mac and cheese.  I know I never heard of that either.  Any who we serve them with mac and cheese and on Friday I offered them to only the students who wanted them.  Not very many takers.
9. Bread, bread, bread:  It doesn't matter what I order we either have too much or not enough.
10. PBJ:  Is it really necessary to offer both grape and strawberry.  If I dethaw more strawberry than grape than we need more grape.  If I dethaw more grape than strawberry than we need more strawberry.  If I dethaw the same of each, we run out.

More than ready for my boss to return.

~KISA

This week in the cafeteria I learned ALOT.

~Kids will say the darndest things. This week I heard one 2nd grader say to another 2nd grader "Hello my brother from another mother."  An aide was also asked by one kindergartner if she would move another kindergartner to a different table because "he has willy smelly bref."

~I don't care what the naked chef says freeze dried mashed potatoes rock.  At school we get these tiny little kernels of mashed potatoes in a bag.  You add water and in minutes you have mashed potatoes.  These aren't the flakes...these are magic mashed potato balls.

~It's my stem.  This was a phrase I said over and over on the day I decided to wear a jack-o-lantern shirt and a "stem" on my head. 

~Drop a tray day.  This week seemed like it was drop a tray day everyday.  I think we are going to have to start adding at least an extra five into the daily count to make up for the "Oh nos" and the "Ought ohs..."

~Kids know how to cheer you up.  Even on days when you think everyone around you SUCKS.  Little kids (and co-workers who care) can really cheer you up.

What did you learn this week?

• Kids will do anything for a sticker.  Children in K-3 will actually eat their green beans if I give them a "prize".  Even if that prize is a Make Your Own Pizza sticker.