I haven't been writing much about the pool this year. We had a slow start with a lot of rain in June, kids off at camp, and visits to grandparents houses.

It feels like we haven't been swimming much.

Where has the summer gone?

This is what I learned this week:

Bees will swoop. A bus full daycamp kids and their counselors were in the pool when a bee on steroids decided to swoop down and buzz them. That is a lot of screaming. A lot of screaming!!

Birthdays at the pool ROCK. I spent the day with great friends and family, cheese fries and sun. It doesn't get much better.

You can't predict the weather. We wanted to go to the pool in the evening to listen to a band that one of the lifeguards plays in. Sadly, it thundered and then poured and we never made it.

My sister's pool is even cooler. The kids and I are spending some time in NC with my sister and her family. It's even a better poolside perspective when it's from my sister's screened in porch and I'm watching my kids swim with their cousins.

Sprinkle in some water park fun. We hit the water slides today and it was a perfect way to spend a Friday.

What did you learn this week?

The pool this week was a test of my patience. In fact, this entire week was a test of my patience.

Here's why:

No means no. I heard my girls and three of their friends say "Stop it. Leave me alone" to three boys who appeared to be attempting to untie their swim tops. I about killed them. I went down to the pool and told him to swim away, to point out his mother, and to make sure I didn't see anywhere near the girls. His response was that he came to the pool alone, with friends.

Don't drop your kid at the pool. WTF? Based on the above, if you are dropping your tween off at the pool it's pretty likely that he is acting like a jackass.

You aren't the only one at the pool. You can't throw your kid a volleyball while she's jumping off of the public diving board. You keep hitting my kid and it is annoying. Like really annoying. Aren't you a grow up?

If the pool is mostly empty, the lifeguard will clean the wall. The lady who nearly sat beside me at a mostly empty pool day seemed surprised that the lifeguard wasn't in her chair. She was scrubbing the pool wall. I guess the 25 swimmers in there weren't as important as the algae.

Deflating a raft isn't as easy as it appears. I had to deflate this penguin raft so it could travel to its new home and I truly hope there isn't video. I looked ridiculous.

What did you learn this week?

It's that time of the year again.

That time when most of my days are spent lounging about at the pool and leisurely reading my book. That last sentence actually made me laugh out loud.

Let me rephrase.

It's that time of the year when I spend countless hours packing lunches that are never enough food to feed everyone. That time of the year when the number one rule is no drowning. That time of the year when my husband and I revive our debate about spray vs. lotion sunscreen. That time of the year when there are more inflatables in my car than children.

It's pool season.

Here's what we learned this week.

It's never too cold to get in the water. My son cannonballed into the pool last week when I'm sure water temps couldn't possibly have been much higher than 60 degrees. I thought for sure that he ruptured his eardrum because he couldn't hear for 24 hours after the jump.

Beetles can fly. I'm not sure why the grown adult woman sitting near me felt compelled to "rescue" beetle after beetle from the surface if the pool. However, she did entertain me for a short while until it just became super weird for me.

The green carpet of death has been removed. Because of badly poured concrete our pool owner thought concealing it with a fake grass green carpet was a good idea. That thing was a breeding ground for anthrax. It was so foul that I wouldn't let my kids walk on it and on more than one occassion I saw others letting their kids lie on it. I had to stop typing to vomit. I'm happy to report that the concrete has been repaired and the green carpet of death has been removed.

It's never to early in the season for some crack. Come on people. You can't tell me that you are unaware that your ass is showing. Pull up your pants. Or I'm just gonna start spraying sunscreen on it as a public service.

Cups. If you wanna save some money, skip the pool toys and bring some cups. Plain old plastic cups or even colorful disposible cups. Kids cannot resist them. It's like magic.

Poolside Perspective returns Friday, June 21st.

Summer can't possibly be coming to an end!?!? It only just begun.

Sadly it is time to take off my flip flops and put on some sneakers. (have I ever told you how much I hate socks?)

This is our final Poolside Perspective of the season. Next week, Lessons from the lunchlady will return when I update all of you on my child nutrition summer workshop.

Here's what I learned at the pool.

You are never too old to jump off the high dive. I think as we age we begin to feel like there are things we just shouldn't do anymore. When my friend B was in line for the high dive the small boy behind her was simply flabbergasted. "Is you gonna jump off the high dive?" he asked. "Ain't you too old?". B said he was lucky he was cute.

Drowning your kid (or someone else's) is frowned upon. I swear all I wanted to do was jump on the raft and torture my friend B's son. Who knew he'd be so slippery and that we would both go tumbled off into the shallow; me crushing my knee into his head. I really wasn't trying to drown him.

Pool bathrooms disgust me. Can someone please hose those nasty,germ encrusted cesspools down? For the love of all things holy, can you please make your kid put shoes on. I vomit a little every time I see them run in barefoot.

Letting the child in charge of the bee sting spray = dumb idea. Middle G tramped on a bee this week and went to see the lifeguard who promptly gave her ice and let her friend spray some random bug spray on her foot. Seriously?

Are these inside out? Wearing you bathing suit bottoms inside out to the pool in front of two 11 year olds will cause much laughter and a lot of OMGs.

In conclusion, we had a lot of fun at the pool this year, we jumped off the dives, we floated in our rafts, we ate cheese fries, we made new friends.

Already looking forward to sitting poolside next year.

This week's weather wasn't particularly pool friendly. We did squeeze in a few visits and here's what I learned.

No diving. Teaching your kid to dive off the sign that says NO DIVING proves that you are not smarter than a preschooler.

You can't swim like an Olympian. Olympic fever makes people think they too can kick and turn with the best of them. Um...no...no you can't.

Doing laps is hard work. I decided to swim five laps in an inner tube from one side of the pool to the other. No even the long way. The fact that this is tiring is proof that I am completely out of shape. Completely.

If your baby is in the pool, you should be too. Seriously, does someone really need to tell you that if your baby is in a float your ass should be in the pool. Seriously? You are dumber than the person teaching her kid to dive in the shallow.

Keeping your promise and jumping off the high dive with your son = priceless.

What did you learn this week?

This week was again HOT and hot weather brings out the best in all of us. Here's what I learned.

• It's double check your suit week. This week a lot of people and children had ill fitted suits on. I realize that it's halfway through the season and perhaps your suit has stretched or shrunk. A tip: ask a friend or even your mom if if any of your bits and pieces are hanging out. I really...really...don't want to see them.


• If your kid can't swim, the dive is not for him. Sure it's very cute seeing your three year old jumping off the high dive. However, it looses it's cuteness when he struggles to surface and has to doggie paddle to you. There's a swim test for a reason. If he can't swim, don't let him jump.


• Thunder, thunder, thunder. We got kicked out of the pool for thunde this week and the rule is no reentry until it has been 20 minutes thunder free. I swear every 19 minutes it would thunder. That, my friends, just gets funny after a while.


• Pretending to take pics of your kids is pathetic. I don't know who you think you are fooling, but we are on to you. If you were really taking pics of your kid jumping off the dive, you'd be closer. I think you noticed all those I'll fitted suits and started snapping.


• The ability to embarrass your kid=priceless. May I recommend tucking your tankini into a bikini and telling them your ready to go. The look alone will make your day.

What did you learn this week?

It's time once again for Poolside Perspective. The time of the week where we sit back, contemplate and wonder what the heck is happening.

It's week five and we are still experiencing record highs and that is bringing everyone (and I mean everyone) to the pool.

Here's what I learned.

It's hard to keep track of your kids when you have nine under 10. Seriously, unless you're on a reality show that pays for the children's every whim, how do you afford it? The lady with the infield usually sits on the other side of the pool from us near the baby slide. This week, we noticed two of her kids on our side long before she did.

Um..your bra is distracting me. I'm pretty sure the lady on the blanket next to us was swimming in a swim skirt and a pink bra. I don't know who she thought she was kidding.

Make a new friend day. I told my kids it was make a new friend day and I ended up making one too. An elderly lady inched her way into our gaggle and just started chatting away. Before we knew it she was sharing life stories and trying out our floats. Guess make a new friend day worked out for everyone.

The goggle tomahawk. It's the new rage. My friend's daughter has goggles with these uniques straps that just kind of stick out in the back. They almost look like a feather. I kind of want a pair.

Monokini's continue to vex me. This week a nude colored monokini. Seriously? Enough said.

A huge shout out to W and B for helping me recall all of this week's lessons. You guys make hanging at the pool a huge stress relief.

What did you learn this week?

It was hot this week.  Very hot.

That means everyone wanted to swim.  And I mean everyone.  Here's what I learned during week four of Poolside Perspective.

Holy Hair Batman.  We took a step back in time this week and paid homage to that ever so stylish 1980s big hair.  Big hair + Aqua Net = no amount of splashing is getting that thing wet.  The shields are up.



You juggle, I juggle, why not at the pool?  Words are just escaping me.  Was it too hot to practice for the big juggling show at home?  Was it safer to start with balls in the water and then move on to knives?  I just don't have an explanation.  You?

I'm done with the whistle.  You're in time out.  After blowing her whistle numerous times at some kids sliding headfirst and all at once, our cute little lifeguard had enough.  She calmly walked across the pool, pointed to each of the offenders and put them in timeout directly behind her lifeguard chair.  She is my hero.

Mr. Dick is a funny name.  I encourage my children to show respect by referring to adults by Mr.or Miss and then their first name, but honestly it is hard for me to keep a straight face when that name is Dick.  "Mr. Dick is throwing us the ball."  "Is it okay if he plays with Mr. Dick?"  "I told Mr. Dick I could flip off the dive."  "At least she's not climbing all over poor Mr. Dick."  See what I mean.

Again with the monokinis.  Last year I blasted these suits for being simply tasteless.  We saw them on every body size from tiny toddlers to obese adults.  This week I saw one on a pregnant lady.  It was as if that tiny piece of fabric along the front was the only thing keeping her from a public water birth.  It, my friends, was not pretty.  If you're considering the look, I implore you to reconsider.

What did you learn this week?

This week's post follows the adage that a picture is worth a thousand words.

We learned that Walter the alligator does not scare away bees. In fact, bees might actually enjoy his company. Seriously, Walter this is disappointing.

We learned that if the lifeguard is in a sweatshirt and covered in a towel, you'll likely have the pool to yourself if you tough out the wind chill.

We learned that some kids are good at panhandling. When a scrawny little six year old asked me if he could get a snack at the snack bar for $3.00 I told him he sure could. Then he proceeded to tell me he forgot his money at home and could I give him $3.00.

We learned that getting large wings tattooed on your back will not increase your chances of being able to fly.

And finally, we learned that when others dress like this it only makes the rest of us look better. Look out People of Walmart...here comes the People of the Pool.

This week I was only poolside sporadically.  The week started out with crappy cool weather, becoming unbearable by Wednesday and Thursday, and returning to random crappy thunderstorms by today.

We took a day away from the public pool and spent it at my friends backyard oasis, which was fan.tas.tic.

Here's what I learned.

Timeout?  I've put my kids in time out at the pool.  I've seen other's put their kids in time out.  This week, while walking to the bathroom I saw a mom in time out.  I can only guess she put herself in time out.  She had her chair facing the fence and was reading a book.  Um...the view isn't even good, but I guess she was just fed up with looking the other way. 

If everyone knows the code, well it's no longer a code.  My daughter has reached the wonderful age of waredrobe malfunctions.  Since having your breast fall out of your suit at the pool, is uber embarrassing we decided to simply say flamingo.  However, seems everyone a lot of people now know the code.  My daughter said, "If everyone one knows the code, you might as well scream breast."  She has a point.

Behave like there IS a lifeguard on duty.  Our kids were like monkeys let loose at the zoo when we went to our friend's pool instead of the public pool.  They were taking innertubes down the slide, stopping mid slide, and just acting ridiculous on the dive.  Needless to say, we can't wait to go back.  Here's hoping we're still welcome (*wink*)

Just because they make it.  I'm pretty sure we covered this last year, but it needs to be reiterated.  Just because the swimsuit comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it. 

Tripping sucks.  Tripping and releasing your flamingo, sucks even more.  What is the appropriate response when a woman trips up the steps getting out of the pool right in front of you and her breast tumbles out of her top.  Yelling flamingo doesn't help.  Turns out... not everyone knows the code.

What did you learn this week?

It is time once again to talk about what we have learned at the pool.

Sadly, with school right around the corner, this will be the season finale of the Poolside Perspective and because of that, I thought I would recap each of the past seven posts.

I started this column on July 1st as an alternative to my widely popular (at least in my mind) Lessons from the Lunchlady and don't fret, those will be returning next week with a new recap on lunchlady training.

Week One: We learned that some people are incompetent assholes, that swimsuits are available in sizes large enough to cover your areolas, that table dancing and dunking the elderly are frowned upon, that monokinis disgust me and that wearing a swimsuit with an American Flag pattern would likely offend Betsy Ross.

Week Two:  We learned that going to the pool on field trip day should be avoided at all costs, that, in my opinion, hugely pregnant women should not wear bikinis, that making out in the deep end is gross no matter what your age, that drunk tattoos are even more noticeable at the pool and that, for goodness sake, if your friends towel and chair are still there when you leave, you may want to do a head count.

Week Three:  We learned that crack is not just a street drug, that tiny toads and pool filters aren't friends, that big chested women like tiny swim tops, that changing your name to Bob Marley can be fun, and that B and I are starting our own synchronized swiming team once we stop fighting over who gets to wear the arm floaties.

Week four:  We learned that some people mark their pool spot like dogs mark telephone pools, we realized that butterflies are not one of God's smartest creatures, we came to terms with friends vs. siblings, we popped three rafts, and we watched as other people's children ate our pool toys.

Week Five:  We saw a toddler in a monokini, we realized that cheese fries are addicting, we learned a new word, we were attacked by umbrellas, and we witness idiots planking.

Week 6:  We came to terms with our pathetic swim bag, we lamented about black socks and sandals, we talked about the dreaded green carpet, we enjoyed a few cloudy days, and we decided that voice volume should be part of the lifeguard test.

Week 7:  Finally we discussed why making your own bathing suit could never be a good idea, why pre-teen boys with hair down to their asses can cause gender confusion, why wrapping your child in bubble wrap won't keep him safe, how the pool water in August can't be THAT cold and also why rubbing lotion on your friend will only encourage your stalker.

In conclusion, I have had a fantastic time at the pool this summer.  I have learned so much.  My body is tan and my wallet is empty.

Cheese fries and sunscreen aren't cheap.

Make Your Own Swimsuit. Ok...this suit scares me. Does it really have a zipper and a button? How does that work when it is wet. Um...wouldn't your reason for making a swimsuit be more along the lines of modesty. So why a two piece. I am just confused.

Gender confusion. I realize that longer hair on boys is in style and can be done in a very cute, not confusing sort of way. In fact, I would love my hubby to let his hair shag out a little, but alas he refuses. That being said, if your elementary age son has hair down to his ass and multiple people gasp when he gets in the pool because they think your daughter has lost her shirt it might be time to reconsider the hair style.

You can't protect them from everything. I am not a big fan of this contraption. Wow. I mean it goes around the waist and attaches to the arms and who knows where else. Um...what do you think is gonna happen? Here's what I have seen happen...your boy trips before he even makes it to the water because you thought givinig him a noodle in addition to this contraption was an even better idea and now both of his legs are bloody. Smart. Very smart.

It ain't that cold. B and I watched a grown women get into the pool this week and make a face as if she had just stepped into water in the artic. She didn't just make the face once, but multiple times as she walked deeper attempting to adjust to the artic temps. Um...seriously...it's August. How cold can it be?

Don't try to creep me out. I had a stalker at the pool this week. He wouldn't stop staring at my friend S and I. We figured his staring was for one of three reasons. Either it was because he could clearly see up her skirt, he heard about "the incident" at the lake when my swim top flopped open or he hoped that I might decide to put sunscreen all over my friend. Hey creepy...go watch someone else....

In conclusion, we learned that we should never make our own swimsuit no matter how on sale the fabric is, kids can hurt themselves even when wrapped in bubble tape, if people don't know the gender of your child then you should consider cutting his hair, the water can't be cold-as-the-artic in August and if you're gonna blantantly stare, at least put on sunglasses.

• Monokinis are mocking me.   I have already lamented about these dreadful swimsuits and this week I had the pleasure of seeing a toddler in one.  Seriously?  Have you lost your butterfly size mind? 
• Concessions are addicting.  Apparently the most disgusting of concession stand foods is more appealing than whatever Mommy has packed in the cooler.
• "Devious" is the new IT word.  My son has started calling everything devious.  My favorite line from the Princess Bride, "I do not think that word means what you think that word means" comes to mind often as I listen to him.  "That slide is devious."  "That diving board is devious."  "That little girl's eyes are devious."  Okay...he may have been on to something with that last one.
• Umbrellas are temperamental.  As we were leaving for the day, a big gust of wind picked up one of the picnic table umbrellas, tossed it over the fence into the parking lot and directly onto of my son.  Like an episode of Bay Watch, cute & petite lifeguards (with 0% body fat) rushed to our van.  Both the van and my son were unharmed.
• Planking.  I am finding this unusual activity somewhat annoying.  I watched at the pool as two grown adults decided to have their pictures taken planking both the high dive and the low dive.  Needless to say, it wouldn't surprise me if their kid was a toddler in the monokini.

In conclusion, we learned that umbrellas can, indeed, be devious, cheese fries really are addicting, monokinis are simply wrong at any age and the welcome new trend of de-planking needs to begin as soon as possible.

What did you learn?

It's time, once again, to review what we learned at the pool this week.

It was again hotter than the surface of the sun in Pennsylvania and that tends to bring people in droves to the pool.

All kinds of people.

You just never know when a life lesson might present itself.  Best to have a notebook.

• Get your own table.  Imagine if you got to the pool before everyone else.  You sat your cooler down on a picnic table with an umbrella and started to spray your kids with sunscreen only to be accossted by a freak and his whining 12 year old implying that you "stole" their table.  Say what?  I don't see you name on it.  There is one there, and there, and there and oh look there is even one over there.
• Butterflies have small brains.  This really isn't all that hard to imagine when you think of how tiny their heads are but seriously you have an entire open meadow to fly around in and yet you can't stopp landing on the water?  Are you suicidal?  There's a kids book for you--Ben the Suicidal Butterfly and how he learned that life is worth living.  My kids had to save his sorry butt like four times.  Finally they released him on the other side of the fence.
• Friends vs. siblings  My kids can play for hours at the pool without annoying me as long as they have a friend.  God forbid that friend is on vacation and they have to play the same game with each other.  This will result in incredible amounts of whining, physical assaults, and crying.
• Rafts, Rafts and Rafts.  We have a handful of rafts.  Some of which we store at the pool and some of which we don't.  The raft room has become so overcrowded as of late that it takes at least 20 minutes to find your raft.  The kids love to search for the raft (which works out well for me) but this week they learned why keeping them there isn't the best idea when the found out their beloved innertube was trampled and popped.
• You took a bite of what?  My neighbors little girl has these foam squirt guns.  They are really cool and the squirt really far.  She left it by the stairs when she realized she had to go to the bathroom.  Some little boy picked it up and took a HUGE bite out of it.  Really?  Who does that?  Even if you're four, that still seems like an unacceptable behavior.  Him mom took it off of him, sat it back down and walked with him to the other side of the pool.  No I'm sorry.  No Nothing.

In conclusion, we learned rafts pop, toddlers bite, butterflies aren't one of God's smartest creatures but still might be smarter than the guy and his tween who attempted to claim our table as their own and life is always better shared with a friend vs. a sibling.

What did you learn this week?

It's time once again to share with you what I learned at the pool this week.

It was a HOT one this week and it brought out tons of people who, most likely, called in sick to work.

More than one day this week it was uncomfortable to sit anywhere other than completely submerged in the water. 

At one point, I was convinced the air was too hot to breathe.

Here's what I learned.

• Crack.  It's not just a street drug.  Why, oh why, is it so hard for boys of all ages to keep their butt crack from making an appearance at the pool.  How can that be comfortable?  Can't you feel the breeze on your....cheeks?
• Guests.  This week we had multiple guests come and spend the day with us, one of my son's friends came on Monday, a co-worker of mine spent the day with us on Wednesday, and today a co-worker of B's is coming to hang.  Such a wonderful time to catch up with good friends and to share a laugh.  One of our guests found themselves in quite a predicament only to be saved by Middle G.  Tiny toads and pool filters do not like each other.

• Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeney.  I continue to be amazed at how much boobie is on display at the pool.  I realize that I am not a large breasted woman and therefore I may just not understand the problems faced by my big chested friends but...come on.  Seriously, the only top you could find just covered your nipples.  Really?  They didn't have any other tops?  Perhaps it's time to get out of the junior section and pick a bathing suit that fits.
• Hot Stuff...your fries are ready.  My kids have decided that providing their real name at the snack shack isn't nearly as funny as having someone say "Hot stuff.  Hot Stuff.  Please come get your cheese fries."  My son is especially fond of having them call him "Bob" and B's son is known as "Sweetheart."  Lord, help us.
• Synchronized swimming for idots.  B and I have been critized for our "hard" schedules in the summer.  I think it's just jealously.  But since some people (mostly our husbands) think we don't do much of anything we decided to start training for a synchronized swimming team.  So far it looks something like this....

In conclusion, may I suggest that you pull up your pants when your butt is hanging out, get a swim top that covers all of your areola, pick a new name and use it proudly, join us for a day at the pool but, by all means, be prepared to join us in the shallow for a little synchronized fun.

Hold it...hold it.  Feel the burn!  You're gonna need ice for that burn!