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Friday, July 1, 2011

Poolside Perspective: what I learned

As my handful of regular readers know, during the school year I like to enlighten my readers every Friday with my Lessons_from_the_Lunchlady column.

Seeing as school has been out for three glorious weeks, I though today would be a good day to introduce a new column...Poolside Perspective.

A few of you may be familiar with my my_summer_goals one of which is to sit poolside with my BFF and eat cheese fries. Here's a few things we learned.

Some people are assholes. Of course I am referring to this amazingly_incompetent_mother who thought her infant would "just know" how to stay in the center of her baby seat. It makes me think that I may not be failing_my_parenting_class after all.

Swimsuits are available bigger. Let's be honest, no one wants to admit that they may need a bigger size. However, wearing something too small only makes the problem worse. Here's a simple checklist: Are my nipples showing? If these bottoms get wet will I still be able to get take them off. We come in many shapes and sizes. Embrace the size you are and remember: you are someones super model

Appropriate vs not appropriate. Seems my kids were stuggling with this concept all week. Little G danced on a picnic table like a rapper, Middle G had trouble playing nicely with more than one person, and I actually had to explain to my oldest why dunking people over 60 with your entire 100 pound frame may be considered annoying.

Oh say can you see. In my opinion, I don't think when Betsy Ross was sewing the flag she was sitting on her porch thinking, "Wow, I hope someone wears this as a swimsuit." ugh. Just barely covering your nipples and your butt with the American flag is offensive to me.

Monokinis should be outlawed. Unless you are a supermodel AND OVER THE AGE OF 21, you should not be wearing one of these. Oldest G has a 12 year old friend with one of these suits. Not appropriate.

In conclusion, the pool has been an educational place this week. We learned what not to wear, that table dancing should be left for clubbing, that dunking the elderly should only happen on SNL and that leaving your infant in a flotation device while texting is frowned upon.

What did you learn this week?

10 random thoughts:

David Allen Waters said...

i havent been poolside in ages....

kt moxie said...

I'm sooo with you on the America flags-as-bikinis! How is that patriotic???

Amanda said...

But what I don't get is the ladies who won't remove their bikini area hair when wearing a bikini.

I always see at least one of those at the pool every summer. Granted this is Europe but still.

Now I perfectly understand if a woman doesn't want to shave that area because of xyz reason.
There are hot pants/bermudas one can wear.

But leave the tiny bikini at home. Please, please!

Kristie Maynard said...

You have learned some very valuable things so far this summer haven't you?!?!
What have I learned this week? Well, I haven't been poolside, but I did learn that it's a bad idea to take the hubby coupon shopping. While I'm trying to keep my total down and only buy items I have coupons for and are on sale, he is adding things to the cart. Oh well, at least they were sales items.
Also learned, well relearned that there are some people in this world that are just jerks, no two ways about it. Like texting woman at the pool, she will always be a jerk, you just can tell.

The Schweitzers said...

Poolside is teeming with blog material. I love you statement on larger size...size is only a number right? And if it isn't plastered on my ass, I don't give a rat's ass about size. Love this post.

Crystal said...

First, thank you so much for visiting my blog! Second...umm I kind of love your blog!!!
I was laughing as I soaking up the poolside information.

Can't wait to read more!!!

Annie said...

Visiting from the RDC. I love this post. Hysterical and oh-so-true. I will have to find my own pool side to visit and soak up great blog info.

Anastasia said...

Speaking of inappropriate, my daughter discovered that she really likes standing over the fountain as it shoots up. my husband was like "What is the doing!?" I said I didn't know, maybe it feels good?

DeepBlue said...

The more things change... This post sounds exactly like some of the things my mom and her friends would have said at the public pool some... 40 years ago! (My God! I'm sooo old!)
Enjoy your summer!
Hugs
Jon

septembermom said...

You are HILARIOUS!!! I need to hang out with you at the pool. I'm seeing too many tiny bathing suits at the pool too. And lots and lots of hairy, hairy, hairy guys!!

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kisatrtle
I'm a 41 year old (gasp) freelance writer, school cafeteria manager, wife and mother. I have three children and one anxious and overweight beagle. I use my blog to make others laugh, to share some cool crafts, to document my lunchlady adventures and to lament about the challenges faced by us all on the journey called life. Thanks for visiting. Please leave some crack...um...I meant some comments.
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