I haven't been writing much about the pool this year. We had a slow start with a lot of rain in June, kids off at camp, and visits to grandparents houses.

It feels like we haven't been swimming much.

Where has the summer gone?

This is what I learned this week:

Bees will swoop. A bus full daycamp kids and their counselors were in the pool when a bee on steroids decided to swoop down and buzz them. That is a lot of screaming. A lot of screaming!!

Birthdays at the pool ROCK. I spent the day with great friends and family, cheese fries and sun. It doesn't get much better.

You can't predict the weather. We wanted to go to the pool in the evening to listen to a band that one of the lifeguards plays in. Sadly, it thundered and then poured and we never made it.

My sister's pool is even cooler. The kids and I are spending some time in NC with my sister and her family. It's even a better poolside perspective when it's from my sister's screened in porch and I'm watching my kids swim with their cousins.

Sprinkle in some water park fun. We hit the water slides today and it was a perfect way to spend a Friday.

What did you learn this week?

It's that time of the year again.

That time when most of my days are spent lounging about at the pool and leisurely reading my book. That last sentence actually made me laugh out loud.

Let me rephrase.

It's that time of the year when I spend countless hours packing lunches that are never enough food to feed everyone. That time of the year when the number one rule is no drowning. That time of the year when my husband and I revive our debate about spray vs. lotion sunscreen. That time of the year when there are more inflatables in my car than children.

It's pool season.

Here's what we learned this week.

It's never too cold to get in the water. My son cannonballed into the pool last week when I'm sure water temps couldn't possibly have been much higher than 60 degrees. I thought for sure that he ruptured his eardrum because he couldn't hear for 24 hours after the jump.

Beetles can fly. I'm not sure why the grown adult woman sitting near me felt compelled to "rescue" beetle after beetle from the surface if the pool. However, she did entertain me for a short while until it just became super weird for me.

The green carpet of death has been removed. Because of badly poured concrete our pool owner thought concealing it with a fake grass green carpet was a good idea. That thing was a breeding ground for anthrax. It was so foul that I wouldn't let my kids walk on it and on more than one occassion I saw others letting their kids lie on it. I had to stop typing to vomit. I'm happy to report that the concrete has been repaired and the green carpet of death has been removed.

It's never to early in the season for some crack. Come on people. You can't tell me that you are unaware that your ass is showing. Pull up your pants. Or I'm just gonna start spraying sunscreen on it as a public service.

Cups. If you wanna save some money, skip the pool toys and bring some cups. Plain old plastic cups or even colorful disposible cups. Kids cannot resist them. It's like magic.

• Get your own table.  Imagine if you got to the pool before everyone else.  You sat your cooler down on a picnic table with an umbrella and started to spray your kids with sunscreen only to be accossted by a freak and his whining 12 year old implying that you "stole" their table.  Say what?  I don't see you name on it.  There is one there, and there, and there and oh look there is even one over there.
• Butterflies have small brains.  This really isn't all that hard to imagine when you think of how tiny their heads are but seriously you have an entire open meadow to fly around in and yet you can't stopp landing on the water?  Are you suicidal?  There's a kids book for you--Ben the Suicidal Butterfly and how he learned that life is worth living.  My kids had to save his sorry butt like four times.  Finally they released him on the other side of the fence.
• Friends vs. siblings  My kids can play for hours at the pool without annoying me as long as they have a friend.  God forbid that friend is on vacation and they have to play the same game with each other.  This will result in incredible amounts of whining, physical assaults, and crying.
• Rafts, Rafts and Rafts.  We have a handful of rafts.  Some of which we store at the pool and some of which we don't.  The raft room has become so overcrowded as of late that it takes at least 20 minutes to find your raft.  The kids love to search for the raft (which works out well for me) but this week they learned why keeping them there isn't the best idea when the found out their beloved innertube was trampled and popped.
• You took a bite of what?  My neighbors little girl has these foam squirt guns.  They are really cool and the squirt really far.  She left it by the stairs when she realized she had to go to the bathroom.  Some little boy picked it up and took a HUGE bite out of it.  Really?  Who does that?  Even if you're four, that still seems like an unacceptable behavior.  Him mom took it off of him, sat it back down and walked with him to the other side of the pool.  No I'm sorry.  No Nothing.

• Crack.  It's not just a street drug.  Why, oh why, is it so hard for boys of all ages to keep their butt crack from making an appearance at the pool.  How can that be comfortable?  Can't you feel the breeze on your....cheeks?
• Guests.  This week we had multiple guests come and spend the day with us, one of my son's friends came on Monday, a co-worker of mine spent the day with us on Wednesday, and today a co-worker of B's is coming to hang.  Such a wonderful time to catch up with good friends and to share a laugh.  One of our guests found themselves in quite a predicament only to be saved by Middle G.  Tiny toads and pool filters do not like each other.

• Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeney.  I continue to be amazed at how much boobie is on display at the pool.  I realize that I am not a large breasted woman and therefore I may just not understand the problems faced by my big chested friends but...come on.  Seriously, the only top you could find just covered your nipples.  Really?  They didn't have any other tops?  Perhaps it's time to get out of the junior section and pick a bathing suit that fits.
• Hot Stuff...your fries are ready.  My kids have decided that providing their real name at the snack shack isn't nearly as funny as having someone say "Hot stuff.  Hot Stuff.  Please come get your cheese fries."  My son is especially fond of having them call him "Bob" and B's son is known as "Sweetheart."  Lord, help us.
• Synchronized swimming for idots.  B and I have been critized for our "hard" schedules in the summer.  I think it's just jealously.  But since some people (mostly our husbands) think we don't do much of anything we decided to start training for a synchronized swimming team.  So far it looks something like this....

As my handful of regular readers know, during the school year I like to enlighten my readers every Friday with my Lessons_from_the_Lunchlady column.

Seeing as school has been out for three glorious weeks, I though today would be a good day to introduce a new column...Poolside Perspective.

A few of you may be familiar with my my_summer_goals one of which is to sit poolside with my BFF and eat cheese fries. Here's a few things we learned.

Some people are assholes. Of course I am referring to this amazingly_incompetent_mother who thought her infant would "just know" how to stay in the center of her baby seat. It makes me think that I may not be failing_my_parenting_class after all.

Swimsuits are available bigger. Let's be honest, no one wants to admit that they may need a bigger size. However, wearing something too small only makes the problem worse. Here's a simple checklist: Are my nipples showing? If these bottoms get wet will I still be able to get take them off. We come in many shapes and sizes. Embrace the size you are and remember: you are someones super model

Appropriate vs not appropriate. Seems my kids were stuggling with this concept all week. Little G danced on a picnic table like a rapper, Middle G had trouble playing nicely with more than one person, and I actually had to explain to my oldest why dunking people over 60 with your entire 100 pound frame may be considered annoying.

Oh say can you see. In my opinion, I don't think when Betsy Ross was sewing the flag she was sitting on her porch thinking, "Wow, I hope someone wears this as a swimsuit." ugh. Just barely covering your nipples and your butt with the American flag is offensive to me.

Monokinis should be outlawed. Unless you are a supermodel AND OVER THE AGE OF 21, you should not be wearing one of these. Oldest G has a 12 year old friend with one of these suits. Not appropriate.

In conclusion, the pool has been an educational place this week. We learned what not to wear, that table dancing should be left for clubbing, that dunking the elderly should only happen on SNL and that leaving your infant in a flotation device while texting is frowned upon.

What did you learn this week?