This week's post follows the adage that a picture is worth a thousand words.

We learned that Walter the alligator does not scare away bees. In fact, bees might actually enjoy his company. Seriously, Walter this is disappointing.

We learned that if the lifeguard is in a sweatshirt and covered in a towel, you'll likely have the pool to yourself if you tough out the wind chill.

We learned that some kids are good at panhandling. When a scrawny little six year old asked me if he could get a snack at the snack bar for $3.00 I told him he sure could. Then he proceeded to tell me he forgot his money at home and could I give him $3.00.

We learned that getting large wings tattooed on your back will not increase your chances of being able to fly.

And finally, we learned that when others dress like this it only makes the rest of us look better. Look out People of Walmart...here comes the People of the Pool.



photo credit source

My gynecologist makes me laugh.

She's easy to talk to and answers all my questions.  She never rushes me along.

Today I learned that your blood pressure can be 114/68 and you can still be alive.  Seems really low to me but as discussed previously I am not a doctor

I learned that it's much easier to speak at career day if you are a lunchlady and not a gynecologist.

I verified that sadly your breasts do stop growing and I can finally put to rest that dream of a slightly larger cup size.

I learned that like the post office when they ask you if you are mailing anything hazardous, harmful or potentially dangerous, my doctor asks if there is anything else she should know about before she begins the exam.  Um...like??  Any new tattoos or piercings?  Seriously?  Does that happen a lot?

I learned that the chances of getting the handicap exam room are one out of three yet I've never been in any other room.  Coincidence or intentional?

I learned that doctor coats intentially have big holes in the sides of them so you can put your hands in your pants pockets.  Wouldn't it just be easier to put pockets in the coat?

I learned that I can personalize the above picture and give it as a gift.  Anyone else find that odd?  I mean they have a gynecologist and not a lunchlady.  You know you want to click the source link.

I laughed through the entire visit and just like at the pediatrician's office I left with a price--a pink slip for my very first mammogram.

Just imagine what I'll learn there!

In keeping with my summer goals, we are decluttering on Tuesday because Wednesday is garbage day.

Today I got rid of two bags of kids clothes, three bags of garbage, cleaned out the kids bathroom sink drawers and under the sink. That was crazy. The most unusual item...about 20 rocks. My son is gonna be pissed when he looks for them.

They are gone!

We've been hauling this gator back and forth to the pool forever. Today I thought he should get out of the swim bag and enjoy the sun.

He needs a name. Any suggestions?

My son has fallin in love with the picshop app for the iPad. He made the above photo of our beagle. He may hate bunnies, but he wouldn't know how to hunt and catch one if his life depended on it.

This week I was only poolside sporadically.  The week started out with crappy cool weather, becoming unbearable by Wednesday and Thursday, and returning to random crappy thunderstorms by today.

We took a day away from the public pool and spent it at my friends backyard oasis, which was fan.tas.tic.

Here's what I learned.

Timeout?  I've put my kids in time out at the pool.  I've seen other's put their kids in time out.  This week, while walking to the bathroom I saw a mom in time out.  I can only guess she put herself in time out.  She had her chair facing the fence and was reading a book.  Um...the view isn't even good, but I guess she was just fed up with looking the other way. 

If everyone knows the code, well it's no longer a code.  My daughter has reached the wonderful age of waredrobe malfunctions.  Since having your breast fall out of your suit at the pool, is uber embarrassing we decided to simply say flamingo.  However, seems everyone a lot of people now know the code.  My daughter said, "If everyone one knows the code, you might as well scream breast."  She has a point.

Behave like there IS a lifeguard on duty.  Our kids were like monkeys let loose at the zoo when we went to our friend's pool instead of the public pool.  They were taking innertubes down the slide, stopping mid slide, and just acting ridiculous on the dive.  Needless to say, we can't wait to go back.  Here's hoping we're still welcome (*wink*)

Just because they make it.  I'm pretty sure we covered this last year, but it needs to be reiterated.  Just because the swimsuit comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it. 

Tripping sucks.  Tripping and releasing your flamingo, sucks even more.  What is the appropriate response when a woman trips up the steps getting out of the pool right in front of you and her breast tumbles out of her top.  Yelling flamingo doesn't help.  Turns out... not everyone knows the code.

What did you learn this week?

My son plays baseball in an 8-10 league. He has really improved this year as he seems to actually understand the game.

The boys on our team range from ages 6-9 and fielding is challenging. I think it's cute and I usually don't care if we lose as long as we try our best.

Some parents do not agree with my sentiment.

Opposing team parents have yelled things like "Drop it" while a 7 year old is trying to make a catch.

Parents on our own team have told their own child, who was proud of his first attempt at catching, that catching one out of 99 throws is a terrible satistic.

Saying one nice thing out of every hundred things you say is also a terrible satistic.

Opposing coaches have taken multiple bases on errors. Really? There's a five-runs-an-inning mercy rule. Do you really need to advance on an error?

Parents have suggested benching 7 year olds who aren't paying attention. Um...you can't be serious.

I don't think my son notices these things and for that I am grateful. He feels bad enough when he strikes out without any added input from us.

He is proud when he gets an out and when he overthrows first base we tell him that was a great try.

Baseball ends this week and I'm sort of glad. Not because I don't enjoy watching him play, but because I just can't bite my tongue any longer.

Today I met a friend for lunch and I made two grave mistakes. First mistake. I brought my kids. Second mistake: I forgot to ask for crack free seating.

Here's a small snippet of our lunch.

Before my friend arrives my kids are physically hurting each other over a quarter. Turns out Little G brought a quarter in because he thought there would be a gum ball machine. There wasn't a gum ball machine so he decided to give the quarter to his sister. Then we turned the corner and there was a claw machine. Oh sweet mother. Now HE WANTS THE QUARTER BACK. Big G isn't having it. It's clearly not fair.

I take the quarter, which they probably took from my car to begin with.

The waitress comes and takes our order. She talks faster than an auctioneer on his third red bull. My son is upset because he forgot to order corn. Oldest G is trying to explain that he only gets one side and he picked fries. To which he starts crying, "but I wanted corn."

My kids have nothing to say to me unless I am speaking to someone else. Then they want to tell me about the salt spilling, the quarter Middle G found on the floor, the hole they just found in their pants. ANYTHING TO INTERRUPT...repeatedly.

Just as I begin to understand why some animals each their young, our food arrives. I order corn for little G and say to the waitress that "I think I was supposed to get fries."

To which she replies, "No. You got a salad instead."

To which I replied. "I'm pretty sure I ordered a sandwich and fries and asked you if I could have the salad instead of the soup."

Waitress: "There is only one side. You ordered a salad."

Oldest G rolls her eyes at me as if to say I just got done telling Little G this.

Me: "OK. No big deal my kids will probably have a lot left over."

I figured that was that and started eating. Then said waitress returned with the menu to prove she wasn't "ripping me off". Seriously?

She shows me the ultimate grilled cheese and soup listing and says that it clearly means I get the sandwich and the salad. I pointed to the small print at the top that said "all wraps and sandwiches served with fries."

Waitress: "All sandwiches except this one. This one has soup."

Me: "Okay. It really isn't a big deal."

Five minutes later....

She returns with corn and a F**KING oder of French fries.

Waitress: "I spoke to the manager and he said you're right and I'm wrong so I went ahead and got your fries. I have been working here for eight years and THEY KEEP CHANGING THE MENU. I mean it's hard to keep it all straight you know. I just want you to know that I am not ripping you off. I'm not...okay."

Slightly frightened and concerned that she is indeed ripping me off, I said, "Okay. It's not really that big of a deal."

By the time ice cream ordering came around she was a mess. Insisting that I couldn't have just two scoops in my sundae. That if I did, she would have to charge me extra for the toppings. That I had to have three scoops or pay for each squirt of topping. Why would it cost more to get less?

It was bizzare. It was as if she couldn't possibly grasp the concept that I was the customer and could have any damn thing I wanted.

The kids spent the entire lunch interrupting me, tossing their trash around, touching each other when asked not to and hiding their chicken in their sauces.

"Why was that waitress so weird," asked Middle G when we got to the car. I was surprised she noticed.

"I don't know," I said, "Drugs, bad meds, too many misbehaving children at her tables. It's hard to say."

"Maybe she just likes to be right," said Middle G. "Everyone likes that."

Truer words may never have been spoken.

I like making lists.

I think it has something to do with my ADD brain and the need to see everything directly in front of me.

Here are a few things I'd like to accomplish over my summer vacation.

READ.  My book club is helping with this a little.  I am reading books that I wouldn't normally pick and for that I am very thankful.  It also forces me to read at least one a month. Over break I want to read five books.

DECLUTTER.  I told the kids that every Tuesday (which is the day before garbage day) that it is "Throw a bag of crap out day"  I am going to do it too.  Hopefully by the end of summer we will have a lot less crap.

CELEBRATE.  I turn (gasp) 40 at the end of July and I would like to celebrate with family and friends.  I'm just not really sure how.  Any suggestions?

PEDICURES.  I don't really pamper myself but I love a good pedicure.  Having just gone with my daughter for her 11th birthday, I have decided that I will go again in July and again in August before school starts back up.  Do you have any indulgences?

FIRE AND FRIENDS.  I am very social. I would have people over every weekend if I could.  My husband...not so much.  I am hoping we can find a comfortable medium and have a few friends over for some fires.

PAINT.  I put this one on all the time, but it's so much work.  The girls want to redo their room.  Lord have mercy, can we do it?

SCRAPBOOK.  I am going to attempt to do 30 pages (just 10 pages a month) in my scrapbooks.

BULLETIN BOARDS.  Like every year, I told the teachers I would cut some things for them and my list is upstairs.  I should probably not wait until the last minute.

UNPLUG.  I spend too much time online.  I really need to walk away from the computer more often.

SUBMIT, SUBMIT, SUBMIT.  I need to keep putting my book out there.  I need to take rejection with my head held high and to continuously remember that I am a good writer.  Persistence is half the battle.

Other than hanging at the pool with B and forcing my kids to practice their instruments, I have nothing else on the agenda.  The kids and I may travel to see my mom's new property and hopefully we'll sneak in a visit with my sister.

What do you have planned this summer?  I'd love to hear your goals, unless they're drop 15 lbs and train for a half marathon.  Then you're just showing off... (smile)

In honor of Father's Day I am sharing some of the lessons my dad has taught me.

My dad is not big on hugging; he is not super affectionate. He is a great speaker and a good advice giver. My dad has a knack for finding a card with just the right words on it.

Here are a few things my dad taught me.

There is nothing a boy can do that a girl cannot. My dad didn't have sons so we went fishing, we played baseball, if my dad had hunted we would likely have done that as well. I remember being at a baseball game and feeling sad after the coach handed out all sorts of stars for exceptional play. I didn't get one, which wasn't shocking as I kind of sucked. My dad came over and simply asked "What's stopping you from getting one today?" That kind of applies to a lot more things other than just baseball.

It's never too late to change your mind. My wedding wasn't huge, but it wasn't exactly small. As my dad was reaching for my arm to walk me down the aisle he said "Are you sure? Because if you're not, we could grab a beer or something." I'm pretty sure he was serious.

Count your blessings. My dad can put a positive swing on just about anything. Our house caught on fire when I was younger. As we were fleeing the burning building, my sister and I were crying. We worried about our cat, our toys, our...well...everything. My dad said, "Look around you. All is well. We are okay. Sammy (our cat) will be fine. And just think of what a great story this will be when you go back to school."

Treat others the way you'd like to be treated. My parents divorced after many years of marriage. When my maternal grandfather passed away, my dad didn't hesitate coming to the funeral home. He said, "He was my father-in-law for a good portion of my life. It is only fitting that I honor him with a final goodbye.". Even though he knew my mom, her new husband, and her entire family would be in attendance, it takes a big person to do that.

If you want to change your circumstances, do something different. I think we've all heard the saying "To get something we've never had, we must do what we've never done." My dad is good at subtly reminding others of this.

Thanks for the great advice. Happy Father's Day.

This post wraps up my graduation season.  I was going to cover one more, but my son had a baseball game and I went to that instead. 

Thankfully the crowd at my last graduation was much better behaved than the crowd prior.

There were no inappropriate remarks, no inappropriate chants and only an occasional cell phone conversation.

The weather was beautiful.  Just under 200 students graduated.  There were five speeches and a moment of silence for a deceased classmate.

My favorite quote was spoken by the high school principal.

1. Be yourself. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Don't listen to people who try to make you into something you are not. Go against the current.


2. You are better than no one and no one is better than you. “A person's a person, no matter how small.” It is important to remember that no matter how big your wallet becomes that without someone willing to pick up the trash we would all drown in our own waste.


3. Care deeply about something other than yourself. Our world is self centered. It's all about what can I do for me. How can I get ahead. Promise me that you will take time to realize that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”


4. Life is less about what happens and more about how you react. "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” Don't sit around wallowing in self pity. Take action. If you don't like your life, change it. If you don't like your job, do something else. If life deals you a bad hand, play it through the best you can.


5. Make your own path. Don't be a follower. Be a leader. Don't settle. "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go."


6. Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh a lot. Make friends with people who bring out the best in you. “I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”


7. Never stop reading. When we read we stimulate parts of our brain that can't be touched any other way. It helps us to learn better, to communicate better and to just be better. “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”


8. Life goes by pretty fast. To paraphrase Ferris, if you don't stop and look around you might miss it. Remember that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow. Live in the present. “How did it get so late so soon?"


9. There is someone out there just for you. Don't worry if it takes awhile to find them. You'll know when you do. “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”


10. Keep your eyes open. Opportunities are all around you. “You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut"


11. Life is a series of memories. Some will be good. Some will be not so good. The important thing to remember is that without these memories, without these experiences we wouldn't be the people we are today. “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

No matter where life takes us, I will always be your number one fan. I love you, Middle G. Happy Birthday!!!

As part of my management training, I was required to take a personality test.  At first I thought, hmmm...I wonder what this is all about.  The good news...I have a personality.  The bad news...it wasn't all that surprising.

We were all presented with one sheet of paper that had four columns and we were told to check off the words that applied to us.

Some of the words:  firm, bold, goal driven, creative, fun loving, infectious laughter, accurate, discerning, factual, enjoys routine, adaptable, patient. 

The column you had the most checks in was your personality type.

Not surprising, I am an otter/socializer.  My strengths are that I'm optimistic, energetic, a motivator, an innovator, and a risk taker.  My weaknesses are that I hate structure, I avoid detail, I tend to be impatient and I day dream often.

I AM THE QUEEN OTTER.  I have just about every stinkin characteristic of this category.  There were only six of us in the entire group.  The dominate group was the Golden Retriever.  The peacemaker.  They are warm and friendly, loyal and good listeners.  My second highest column.

These results weren't very surprising since we all work in a school district and people are our business.  The two dominating personalities were people central.  The other two, which are task oriented, the beaver and the lion, were much smaller.

The training held my attention but it didn't really clarify how to work with the task oriented people efficiently.  I mean let's be serious without task oriented people who are firm, bold, goal driven, accurate, discerning, and factual, few things get done.

Knowing this, however, doesn't help me convey information more efficiently with them.  I like to tell a story.  They don't really like to listen.  I seek approval and attention.  They don't like to give it.  I day dream and they find that annoying.

How do I know?  I've been married to a beaver for nearly 16 years and I still haven't figured out how to effectively communicate with him. 

Are you married to someone with a similar or completely different personality?

Tonight's activities were already scheduled to be indoors and that's a good thing because rain began falling about 45 minutes before the commencement was to begin.

Approximately 190 students graduated.  There were six speeches including the valedictorian, the salutatorian, the class president, the board president, the principal and the superintendent.

While the students were very well behaved, the audience took on a life of their own.  Because of this, I posted on my facebook some basic commencent behaviors that I will now share with you.

Screaming way to go dumbass...not appropriate.

Holding a sign that says congratu F'in Lations ... not appropriate.

Wearing your pajamas...not appropriate

Blowing an airhorn indoors (or outdoors)...not appropriate.

Wearing your beard in a braid...not appropriate.

Wearing anything that shows off your ass crack...not appropriate.

And last but not least...referring to anyone with a doctorate in education as a fucking moron...not, at all, appropriate.

While I received my long awaited Dr. Seuss quote from the class president...

The lights are off in the kitchen. School is out for summer.

It's hard to believe. Some weeks were painfully slow and others flew by.

Here's what I learned.

I love the third grade talent show. Do you remember thinking you could do anything? Do you remember having enough confidence to sing in front of your peers. To dance in front of your peers. To throw caution to the wind and just bust out some karate moves? I watched one of our autistic students sing So Happy Together with his teacher, I saw some fast footwork to the Party Rock Anthem and I heard a cute rendition of Amazing Grace. They played recorders, they sang, the did gymnastics. Those kids are brave.

Chicken nuggets are not a popular face painting selection. This year on fun day I mostly behaved although I did sneak a quick slide down one of the blow ups before Dr. Principal could ban me. (thanks, Kristin). Last year I broke my foot and jacked up my summer plans. Like usual, I face painted and tried to convince the kids that they wanted broccoli, carrots and chicken nuggets on their face. Stupid snakes and pawprints kept winning.

Kids don't notice appearence. My boss busted up her face and nary a kid notice save one little boy we never would have expected too. Not only did he notice but he expressed grave concern for her and wished her well. A few months ago when he opened a fortune cookie proclaiming him a future community leader, I had doubts. But now, I think that cookie may have been onto something.

Every year those kids get to me. Just like my own kids, at times they drive me crazy. But the hugs and the miss yous and the will you sign my yearbooks all sort of wipe the slate clean and help me to remember why I love elementary students.

My boss. For 30 years, my boss has been in a school kitchen. She made me laugh everyday we worked together. She taught me how to properly cut a cauliflower, how to fold a towel and how to put the toliet paper roll on right. I am trying to convince her to allow me to write a book about her. Words cannot express how much I will miss her.

Enjoy your retirement. The kitchen will not be the same without you.

Tonight marked the second of my handful of graduations.  It was outside and chilly.  Almost felt like a fall football game.

Many of you commented that the six speeches that I heard on Friday seemed excessive.  Tonight's graduation had seven.  This class consisted of approximately 230 students.

The speeches had a common theme and weren't excessively long.  Suprisingly, the salutatorian didn't speak.  The Valedictorian did as did the three other students who auditioned for the part.

The principal's speech was very moving by difficult to quote as he had many personal memories of the class that started at the high school the same year he did. 

My favorite quote was spoken by the valedictorian who encouraged her classmates to step up onto the next rung of the ladder, to climb slowly, to comprehend deeply and to enjoy thoroughly. 

Are you enjoying life throughly???

Friday was the start of my graduation season.  If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you probably already know that I love graduation.  I usually cover at least a handful of them for the paper. 

Friday was the first of many and under the threat of severe thunderstroms and a tornado warning, I watched as nearly 400 young adults received their diplomas. 

There were six speeches, some better than others.  Students were encourages to be a linchpin--to be indispensible.

Student speakers spoke of dreams and the future.  There were quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt, from Seth Godin, even Walt Disney.  Sadly, no one quoted Dr. Seuss (a favorite of mine)

My favorite quote of the evening was spoken by the valedictorian and was a quote from Dumbledore, the headmaster of Harry Potter fame.  This years graduating class grew up with the Harry Potter stories.  Most seniors were born in 1995.