It was hot this week.  Very hot.

That means everyone wanted to swim.  And I mean everyone.  Here's what I learned during week four of Poolside Perspective.

Holy Hair Batman.  We took a step back in time this week and paid homage to that ever so stylish 1980s big hair.  Big hair + Aqua Net = no amount of splashing is getting that thing wet.  The shields are up.



You juggle, I juggle, why not at the pool?  Words are just escaping me.  Was it too hot to practice for the big juggling show at home?  Was it safer to start with balls in the water and then move on to knives?  I just don't have an explanation.  You?

I'm done with the whistle.  You're in time out.  After blowing her whistle numerous times at some kids sliding headfirst and all at once, our cute little lifeguard had enough.  She calmly walked across the pool, pointed to each of the offenders and put them in timeout directly behind her lifeguard chair.  She is my hero.

Mr. Dick is a funny name.  I encourage my children to show respect by referring to adults by Mr.or Miss and then their first name, but honestly it is hard for me to keep a straight face when that name is Dick.  "Mr. Dick is throwing us the ball."  "Is it okay if he plays with Mr. Dick?"  "I told Mr. Dick I could flip off the dive."  "At least she's not climbing all over poor Mr. Dick."  See what I mean.

Again with the monokinis.  Last year I blasted these suits for being simply tasteless.  We saw them on every body size from tiny toddlers to obese adults.  This week I saw one on a pregnant lady.  It was as if that tiny piece of fabric along the front was the only thing keeping her from a public water birth.  It, my friends, was not pretty.  If you're considering the look, I implore you to reconsider.

What did you learn this week?

This week I was only poolside sporadically.  The week started out with crappy cool weather, becoming unbearable by Wednesday and Thursday, and returning to random crappy thunderstorms by today.

We took a day away from the public pool and spent it at my friends backyard oasis, which was fan.tas.tic.

Here's what I learned.

Timeout?  I've put my kids in time out at the pool.  I've seen other's put their kids in time out.  This week, while walking to the bathroom I saw a mom in time out.  I can only guess she put herself in time out.  She had her chair facing the fence and was reading a book.  Um...the view isn't even good, but I guess she was just fed up with looking the other way. 

If everyone knows the code, well it's no longer a code.  My daughter has reached the wonderful age of waredrobe malfunctions.  Since having your breast fall out of your suit at the pool, is uber embarrassing we decided to simply say flamingo.  However, seems everyone a lot of people now know the code.  My daughter said, "If everyone one knows the code, you might as well scream breast."  She has a point.

Behave like there IS a lifeguard on duty.  Our kids were like monkeys let loose at the zoo when we went to our friend's pool instead of the public pool.  They were taking innertubes down the slide, stopping mid slide, and just acting ridiculous on the dive.  Needless to say, we can't wait to go back.  Here's hoping we're still welcome (*wink*)

Just because they make it.  I'm pretty sure we covered this last year, but it needs to be reiterated.  Just because the swimsuit comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it. 

Tripping sucks.  Tripping and releasing your flamingo, sucks even more.  What is the appropriate response when a woman trips up the steps getting out of the pool right in front of you and her breast tumbles out of her top.  Yelling flamingo doesn't help.  Turns out... not everyone knows the code.

What did you learn this week?

It is time once again to talk about what we have learned at the pool.

Sadly, with school right around the corner, this will be the season finale of the Poolside Perspective and because of that, I thought I would recap each of the past seven posts.

I started this column on July 1st as an alternative to my widely popular (at least in my mind) Lessons from the Lunchlady and don't fret, those will be returning next week with a new recap on lunchlady training.

Week One: We learned that some people are incompetent assholes, that swimsuits are available in sizes large enough to cover your areolas, that table dancing and dunking the elderly are frowned upon, that monokinis disgust me and that wearing a swimsuit with an American Flag pattern would likely offend Betsy Ross.

Week Two:  We learned that going to the pool on field trip day should be avoided at all costs, that, in my opinion, hugely pregnant women should not wear bikinis, that making out in the deep end is gross no matter what your age, that drunk tattoos are even more noticeable at the pool and that, for goodness sake, if your friends towel and chair are still there when you leave, you may want to do a head count.

Week Three:  We learned that crack is not just a street drug, that tiny toads and pool filters aren't friends, that big chested women like tiny swim tops, that changing your name to Bob Marley can be fun, and that B and I are starting our own synchronized swiming team once we stop fighting over who gets to wear the arm floaties.

Week four:  We learned that some people mark their pool spot like dogs mark telephone pools, we realized that butterflies are not one of God's smartest creatures, we came to terms with friends vs. siblings, we popped three rafts, and we watched as other people's children ate our pool toys.

Week Five:  We saw a toddler in a monokini, we realized that cheese fries are addicting, we learned a new word, we were attacked by umbrellas, and we witness idiots planking.

Week 6:  We came to terms with our pathetic swim bag, we lamented about black socks and sandals, we talked about the dreaded green carpet, we enjoyed a few cloudy days, and we decided that voice volume should be part of the lifeguard test.

Week 7:  Finally we discussed why making your own bathing suit could never be a good idea, why pre-teen boys with hair down to their asses can cause gender confusion, why wrapping your child in bubble wrap won't keep him safe, how the pool water in August can't be THAT cold and also why rubbing lotion on your friend will only encourage your stalker.

In conclusion, I have had a fantastic time at the pool this summer.  I have learned so much.  My body is tan and my wallet is empty.

Cheese fries and sunscreen aren't cheap.

• Monokinis are mocking me.   I have already lamented about these dreadful swimsuits and this week I had the pleasure of seeing a toddler in one.  Seriously?  Have you lost your butterfly size mind? 
• Concessions are addicting.  Apparently the most disgusting of concession stand foods is more appealing than whatever Mommy has packed in the cooler.
• "Devious" is the new IT word.  My son has started calling everything devious.  My favorite line from the Princess Bride, "I do not think that word means what you think that word means" comes to mind often as I listen to him.  "That slide is devious."  "That diving board is devious."  "That little girl's eyes are devious."  Okay...he may have been on to something with that last one.
• Umbrellas are temperamental.  As we were leaving for the day, a big gust of wind picked up one of the picnic table umbrellas, tossed it over the fence into the parking lot and directly onto of my son.  Like an episode of Bay Watch, cute & petite lifeguards (with 0% body fat) rushed to our van.  Both the van and my son were unharmed.
• Planking.  I am finding this unusual activity somewhat annoying.  I watched at the pool as two grown adults decided to have their pictures taken planking both the high dive and the low dive.  Needless to say, it wouldn't surprise me if their kid was a toddler in the monokini.

In conclusion, we learned that umbrellas can, indeed, be devious, cheese fries really are addicting, monokinis are simply wrong at any age and the welcome new trend of de-planking needs to begin as soon as possible.

What did you learn?

It's time, once again, to review what we learned at the pool this week.

It was again hotter than the surface of the sun in Pennsylvania and that tends to bring people in droves to the pool.

All kinds of people.

You just never know when a life lesson might present itself.  Best to have a notebook.

• Get your own table.  Imagine if you got to the pool before everyone else.  You sat your cooler down on a picnic table with an umbrella and started to spray your kids with sunscreen only to be accossted by a freak and his whining 12 year old implying that you "stole" their table.  Say what?  I don't see you name on it.  There is one there, and there, and there and oh look there is even one over there.
• Butterflies have small brains.  This really isn't all that hard to imagine when you think of how tiny their heads are but seriously you have an entire open meadow to fly around in and yet you can't stopp landing on the water?  Are you suicidal?  There's a kids book for you--Ben the Suicidal Butterfly and how he learned that life is worth living.  My kids had to save his sorry butt like four times.  Finally they released him on the other side of the fence.
• Friends vs. siblings  My kids can play for hours at the pool without annoying me as long as they have a friend.  God forbid that friend is on vacation and they have to play the same game with each other.  This will result in incredible amounts of whining, physical assaults, and crying.
• Rafts, Rafts and Rafts.  We have a handful of rafts.  Some of which we store at the pool and some of which we don't.  The raft room has become so overcrowded as of late that it takes at least 20 minutes to find your raft.  The kids love to search for the raft (which works out well for me) but this week they learned why keeping them there isn't the best idea when the found out their beloved innertube was trampled and popped.
• You took a bite of what?  My neighbors little girl has these foam squirt guns.  They are really cool and the squirt really far.  She left it by the stairs when she realized she had to go to the bathroom.  Some little boy picked it up and took a HUGE bite out of it.  Really?  Who does that?  Even if you're four, that still seems like an unacceptable behavior.  Him mom took it off of him, sat it back down and walked with him to the other side of the pool.  No I'm sorry.  No Nothing.

In conclusion, we learned rafts pop, toddlers bite, butterflies aren't one of God's smartest creatures but still might be smarter than the guy and his tween who attempted to claim our table as their own and life is always better shared with a friend vs. a sibling.

What did you learn this week?

It's time once again to share with you what I learned at the pool this week.

It was a HOT one this week and it brought out tons of people who, most likely, called in sick to work.

More than one day this week it was uncomfortable to sit anywhere other than completely submerged in the water. 

At one point, I was convinced the air was too hot to breathe.

Here's what I learned.

• Crack.  It's not just a street drug.  Why, oh why, is it so hard for boys of all ages to keep their butt crack from making an appearance at the pool.  How can that be comfortable?  Can't you feel the breeze on your....cheeks?
• Guests.  This week we had multiple guests come and spend the day with us, one of my son's friends came on Monday, a co-worker of mine spent the day with us on Wednesday, and today a co-worker of B's is coming to hang.  Such a wonderful time to catch up with good friends and to share a laugh.  One of our guests found themselves in quite a predicament only to be saved by Middle G.  Tiny toads and pool filters do not like each other.

• Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeney.  I continue to be amazed at how much boobie is on display at the pool.  I realize that I am not a large breasted woman and therefore I may just not understand the problems faced by my big chested friends but...come on.  Seriously, the only top you could find just covered your nipples.  Really?  They didn't have any other tops?  Perhaps it's time to get out of the junior section and pick a bathing suit that fits.
• Hot Stuff...your fries are ready.  My kids have decided that providing their real name at the snack shack isn't nearly as funny as having someone say "Hot stuff.  Hot Stuff.  Please come get your cheese fries."  My son is especially fond of having them call him "Bob" and B's son is known as "Sweetheart."  Lord, help us.
• Synchronized swimming for idots.  B and I have been critized for our "hard" schedules in the summer.  I think it's just jealously.  But since some people (mostly our husbands) think we don't do much of anything we decided to start training for a synchronized swimming team.  So far it looks something like this....

In conclusion, may I suggest that you pull up your pants when your butt is hanging out, get a swim top that covers all of your areola, pick a new name and use it proudly, join us for a day at the pool but, by all means, be prepared to join us in the shallow for a little synchronized fun.

Hold it...hold it.  Feel the burn!  You're gonna need ice for that burn!

As my handful of regular readers know, during the school year I like to enlighten my readers every Friday with my Lessons_from_the_Lunchlady column.

Seeing as school has been out for three glorious weeks, I though today would be a good day to introduce a new column...Poolside Perspective.

A few of you may be familiar with my my_summer_goals one of which is to sit poolside with my BFF and eat cheese fries. Here's a few things we learned.

Some people are assholes. Of course I am referring to this amazingly_incompetent_mother who thought her infant would "just know" how to stay in the center of her baby seat. It makes me think that I may not be failing_my_parenting_class after all.

Swimsuits are available bigger. Let's be honest, no one wants to admit that they may need a bigger size. However, wearing something too small only makes the problem worse. Here's a simple checklist: Are my nipples showing? If these bottoms get wet will I still be able to get take them off. We come in many shapes and sizes. Embrace the size you are and remember: you are someones super model

Appropriate vs not appropriate. Seems my kids were stuggling with this concept all week. Little G danced on a picnic table like a rapper, Middle G had trouble playing nicely with more than one person, and I actually had to explain to my oldest why dunking people over 60 with your entire 100 pound frame may be considered annoying.

Oh say can you see. In my opinion, I don't think when Betsy Ross was sewing the flag she was sitting on her porch thinking, "Wow, I hope someone wears this as a swimsuit." ugh. Just barely covering your nipples and your butt with the American flag is offensive to me.

Monokinis should be outlawed. Unless you are a supermodel AND OVER THE AGE OF 21, you should not be wearing one of these. Oldest G has a 12 year old friend with one of these suits. Not appropriate.

In conclusion, the pool has been an educational place this week. We learned what not to wear, that table dancing should be left for clubbing, that dunking the elderly should only happen on SNL and that leaving your infant in a flotation device while texting is frowned upon.

What did you learn this week?