The pool this week was a test of my patience. In fact, this entire week was a test of my patience.

Here's why:

No means no. I heard my girls and three of their friends say "Stop it. Leave me alone" to three boys who appeared to be attempting to untie their swim tops. I about killed them. I went down to the pool and told him to swim away, to point out his mother, and to make sure I didn't see anywhere near the girls. His response was that he came to the pool alone, with friends.

Don't drop your kid at the pool. WTF? Based on the above, if you are dropping your tween off at the pool it's pretty likely that he is acting like a jackass.

You aren't the only one at the pool. You can't throw your kid a volleyball while she's jumping off of the public diving board. You keep hitting my kid and it is annoying. Like really annoying. Aren't you a grow up?

If the pool is mostly empty, the lifeguard will clean the wall. The lady who nearly sat beside me at a mostly empty pool day seemed surprised that the lifeguard wasn't in her chair. She was scrubbing the pool wall. I guess the 25 swimmers in there weren't as important as the algae.

Deflating a raft isn't as easy as it appears. I had to deflate this penguin raft so it could travel to its new home and I truly hope there isn't video. I looked ridiculous.

What did you learn this week?

This week was again HOT and hot weather brings out the best in all of us. Here's what I learned.

• It's double check your suit week. This week a lot of people and children had ill fitted suits on. I realize that it's halfway through the season and perhaps your suit has stretched or shrunk. A tip: ask a friend or even your mom if if any of your bits and pieces are hanging out. I really...really...don't want to see them.


• If your kid can't swim, the dive is not for him. Sure it's very cute seeing your three year old jumping off the high dive. However, it looses it's cuteness when he struggles to surface and has to doggie paddle to you. There's a swim test for a reason. If he can't swim, don't let him jump.


• Thunder, thunder, thunder. We got kicked out of the pool for thunde this week and the rule is no reentry until it has been 20 minutes thunder free. I swear every 19 minutes it would thunder. That, my friends, just gets funny after a while.


• Pretending to take pics of your kids is pathetic. I don't know who you think you are fooling, but we are on to you. If you were really taking pics of your kid jumping off the dive, you'd be closer. I think you noticed all those I'll fitted suits and started snapping.


• The ability to embarrass your kid=priceless. May I recommend tucking your tankini into a bikini and telling them your ready to go. The look alone will make your day.

What did you learn this week?

In keeping with my summer goals, we are decluttering on Tuesday because Wednesday is garbage day.

Today I got rid of two bags of kids clothes, three bags of garbage, cleaned out the kids bathroom sink drawers and under the sink. That was crazy. The most unusual item...about 20 rocks. My son is gonna be pissed when he looks for them.

They are gone!

We've been hauling this gator back and forth to the pool forever. Today I thought he should get out of the swim bag and enjoy the sun.

He needs a name. Any suggestions?

My son has fallin in love with the picshop app for the iPad. He made the above photo of our beagle. He may hate bunnies, but he wouldn't know how to hunt and catch one if his life depended on it.

It is time once again to talk about what we have learned at the pool.

Sadly, with school right around the corner, this will be the season finale of the Poolside Perspective and because of that, I thought I would recap each of the past seven posts.

I started this column on July 1st as an alternative to my widely popular (at least in my mind) Lessons from the Lunchlady and don't fret, those will be returning next week with a new recap on lunchlady training.

Week One: We learned that some people are incompetent assholes, that swimsuits are available in sizes large enough to cover your areolas, that table dancing and dunking the elderly are frowned upon, that monokinis disgust me and that wearing a swimsuit with an American Flag pattern would likely offend Betsy Ross.

Week Two:  We learned that going to the pool on field trip day should be avoided at all costs, that, in my opinion, hugely pregnant women should not wear bikinis, that making out in the deep end is gross no matter what your age, that drunk tattoos are even more noticeable at the pool and that, for goodness sake, if your friends towel and chair are still there when you leave, you may want to do a head count.

Week Three:  We learned that crack is not just a street drug, that tiny toads and pool filters aren't friends, that big chested women like tiny swim tops, that changing your name to Bob Marley can be fun, and that B and I are starting our own synchronized swiming team once we stop fighting over who gets to wear the arm floaties.

Week four:  We learned that some people mark their pool spot like dogs mark telephone pools, we realized that butterflies are not one of God's smartest creatures, we came to terms with friends vs. siblings, we popped three rafts, and we watched as other people's children ate our pool toys.

Week Five:  We saw a toddler in a monokini, we realized that cheese fries are addicting, we learned a new word, we were attacked by umbrellas, and we witness idiots planking.

Week 6:  We came to terms with our pathetic swim bag, we lamented about black socks and sandals, we talked about the dreaded green carpet, we enjoyed a few cloudy days, and we decided that voice volume should be part of the lifeguard test.

Week 7:  Finally we discussed why making your own bathing suit could never be a good idea, why pre-teen boys with hair down to their asses can cause gender confusion, why wrapping your child in bubble wrap won't keep him safe, how the pool water in August can't be THAT cold and also why rubbing lotion on your friend will only encourage your stalker.

In conclusion, I have had a fantastic time at the pool this summer.  I have learned so much.  My body is tan and my wallet is empty.

Cheese fries and sunscreen aren't cheap.

Make Your Own Swimsuit. Ok...this suit scares me. Does it really have a zipper and a button? How does that work when it is wet. Um...wouldn't your reason for making a swimsuit be more along the lines of modesty. So why a two piece. I am just confused.

Gender confusion. I realize that longer hair on boys is in style and can be done in a very cute, not confusing sort of way. In fact, I would love my hubby to let his hair shag out a little, but alas he refuses. That being said, if your elementary age son has hair down to his ass and multiple people gasp when he gets in the pool because they think your daughter has lost her shirt it might be time to reconsider the hair style.

You can't protect them from everything. I am not a big fan of this contraption. Wow. I mean it goes around the waist and attaches to the arms and who knows where else. Um...what do you think is gonna happen? Here's what I have seen happen...your boy trips before he even makes it to the water because you thought givinig him a noodle in addition to this contraption was an even better idea and now both of his legs are bloody. Smart. Very smart.

It ain't that cold. B and I watched a grown women get into the pool this week and make a face as if she had just stepped into water in the artic. She didn't just make the face once, but multiple times as she walked deeper attempting to adjust to the artic temps. Um...seriously...it's August. How cold can it be?

Don't try to creep me out. I had a stalker at the pool this week. He wouldn't stop staring at my friend S and I. We figured his staring was for one of three reasons. Either it was because he could clearly see up her skirt, he heard about "the incident" at the lake when my swim top flopped open or he hoped that I might decide to put sunscreen all over my friend. Hey creepy...go watch someone else....

In conclusion, we learned that we should never make our own swimsuit no matter how on sale the fabric is, kids can hurt themselves even when wrapped in bubble tape, if people don't know the gender of your child then you should consider cutting his hair, the water can't be cold-as-the-artic in August and if you're gonna blantantly stare, at least put on sunglasses.