It is time once again to talk about what we have learned at the pool.

Sadly, with school right around the corner, this will be the season finale of the Poolside Perspective and because of that, I thought I would recap each of the past seven posts.

I started this column on July 1st as an alternative to my widely popular (at least in my mind) Lessons from the Lunchlady and don't fret, those will be returning next week with a new recap on lunchlady training.

Week One: We learned that some people are incompetent assholes, that swimsuits are available in sizes large enough to cover your areolas, that table dancing and dunking the elderly are frowned upon, that monokinis disgust me and that wearing a swimsuit with an American Flag pattern would likely offend Betsy Ross.

Week Two:  We learned that going to the pool on field trip day should be avoided at all costs, that, in my opinion, hugely pregnant women should not wear bikinis, that making out in the deep end is gross no matter what your age, that drunk tattoos are even more noticeable at the pool and that, for goodness sake, if your friends towel and chair are still there when you leave, you may want to do a head count.

Week Three:  We learned that crack is not just a street drug, that tiny toads and pool filters aren't friends, that big chested women like tiny swim tops, that changing your name to Bob Marley can be fun, and that B and I are starting our own synchronized swiming team once we stop fighting over who gets to wear the arm floaties.

Week four:  We learned that some people mark their pool spot like dogs mark telephone pools, we realized that butterflies are not one of God's smartest creatures, we came to terms with friends vs. siblings, we popped three rafts, and we watched as other people's children ate our pool toys.

Week Five:  We saw a toddler in a monokini, we realized that cheese fries are addicting, we learned a new word, we were attacked by umbrellas, and we witness idiots planking.

Week 6:  We came to terms with our pathetic swim bag, we lamented about black socks and sandals, we talked about the dreaded green carpet, we enjoyed a few cloudy days, and we decided that voice volume should be part of the lifeguard test.

Week 7:  Finally we discussed why making your own bathing suit could never be a good idea, why pre-teen boys with hair down to their asses can cause gender confusion, why wrapping your child in bubble wrap won't keep him safe, how the pool water in August can't be THAT cold and also why rubbing lotion on your friend will only encourage your stalker.

In conclusion, I have had a fantastic time at the pool this summer.  I have learned so much.  My body is tan and my wallet is empty.

Cheese fries and sunscreen aren't cheap.

It's time, once again, to review what we learned at the pool this week.

It was again hotter than the surface of the sun in Pennsylvania and that tends to bring people in droves to the pool.

All kinds of people.

You just never know when a life lesson might present itself.  Best to have a notebook.

• Get your own table.  Imagine if you got to the pool before everyone else.  You sat your cooler down on a picnic table with an umbrella and started to spray your kids with sunscreen only to be accossted by a freak and his whining 12 year old implying that you "stole" their table.  Say what?  I don't see you name on it.  There is one there, and there, and there and oh look there is even one over there.
• Butterflies have small brains.  This really isn't all that hard to imagine when you think of how tiny their heads are but seriously you have an entire open meadow to fly around in and yet you can't stopp landing on the water?  Are you suicidal?  There's a kids book for you--Ben the Suicidal Butterfly and how he learned that life is worth living.  My kids had to save his sorry butt like four times.  Finally they released him on the other side of the fence.
• Friends vs. siblings  My kids can play for hours at the pool without annoying me as long as they have a friend.  God forbid that friend is on vacation and they have to play the same game with each other.  This will result in incredible amounts of whining, physical assaults, and crying.
• Rafts, Rafts and Rafts.  We have a handful of rafts.  Some of which we store at the pool and some of which we don't.  The raft room has become so overcrowded as of late that it takes at least 20 minutes to find your raft.  The kids love to search for the raft (which works out well for me) but this week they learned why keeping them there isn't the best idea when the found out their beloved innertube was trampled and popped.
• You took a bite of what?  My neighbors little girl has these foam squirt guns.  They are really cool and the squirt really far.  She left it by the stairs when she realized she had to go to the bathroom.  Some little boy picked it up and took a HUGE bite out of it.  Really?  Who does that?  Even if you're four, that still seems like an unacceptable behavior.  Him mom took it off of him, sat it back down and walked with him to the other side of the pool.  No I'm sorry.  No Nothing.

In conclusion, we learned rafts pop, toddlers bite, butterflies aren't one of God's smartest creatures but still might be smarter than the guy and his tween who attempted to claim our table as their own and life is always better shared with a friend vs. a sibling.

What did you learn this week?

It's time once again to share with you what I learned at the pool this week.

It was a HOT one this week and it brought out tons of people who, most likely, called in sick to work.

More than one day this week it was uncomfortable to sit anywhere other than completely submerged in the water. 

At one point, I was convinced the air was too hot to breathe.

Here's what I learned.

• Crack.  It's not just a street drug.  Why, oh why, is it so hard for boys of all ages to keep their butt crack from making an appearance at the pool.  How can that be comfortable?  Can't you feel the breeze on your....cheeks?
• Guests.  This week we had multiple guests come and spend the day with us, one of my son's friends came on Monday, a co-worker of mine spent the day with us on Wednesday, and today a co-worker of B's is coming to hang.  Such a wonderful time to catch up with good friends and to share a laugh.  One of our guests found themselves in quite a predicament only to be saved by Middle G.  Tiny toads and pool filters do not like each other.

• Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeney.  I continue to be amazed at how much boobie is on display at the pool.  I realize that I am not a large breasted woman and therefore I may just not understand the problems faced by my big chested friends but...come on.  Seriously, the only top you could find just covered your nipples.  Really?  They didn't have any other tops?  Perhaps it's time to get out of the junior section and pick a bathing suit that fits.
• Hot Stuff...your fries are ready.  My kids have decided that providing their real name at the snack shack isn't nearly as funny as having someone say "Hot stuff.  Hot Stuff.  Please come get your cheese fries."  My son is especially fond of having them call him "Bob" and B's son is known as "Sweetheart."  Lord, help us.
• Synchronized swimming for idots.  B and I have been critized for our "hard" schedules in the summer.  I think it's just jealously.  But since some people (mostly our husbands) think we don't do much of anything we decided to start training for a synchronized swimming team.  So far it looks something like this....

In conclusion, may I suggest that you pull up your pants when your butt is hanging out, get a swim top that covers all of your areola, pick a new name and use it proudly, join us for a day at the pool but, by all means, be prepared to join us in the shallow for a little synchronized fun.

Hold it...hold it.  Feel the burn!  You're gonna need ice for that burn!

Have you ever seen this show?  It's called What Would You Do? and it basically puts people in awkward situations and secretly videotapes them to see what you would do. 

For example, I have seen episodes where a little boy is begging his dad for a Barbie and he is having a nervous breakdown about it.  I have seen episodes where an asshole slips something into his dates drink while she is in the bathroom and the cameras patiently wait to see if anyone will tell her.  I have seen the episode where they make it appear that there is a tiny infant locked in a hot car.

Quite frankly, this show is disturbing on many levels and yesterday I was convinced that I was on an episode.

I can't be sure if I am happy or disappointed that I wasn't.

Here is the scenario...

I am at a public pool with my kiddos.  My kiddos are swimming and I am relaxing in my beach chair, sharing a quiet moment with some friends.

Enter young mother with two children.  One child is around 3 and the other is a tiny baby, no more than 6 months old.  Young mother walks down to the pool edge directly in front of us and lifts her toddler into the water.  Then she get out one of these, which may or may not have been recently recalled.


She puts her baby in the float AND LAYS DOWN ON HER TOWEL NEXT TO THE POOL AND STARTS TEXTING ON HER PHONE.

Are you kidding me?

You aren't going to get in the water?

You are just gonna let your baby, who is now leaning precariously to one side just float around in the public pool? 

I am about to fight her when it dawns on me that she is a beautiful, 20-something, multi-pierced Latino who could easily kick my ass.  I do what any reasonable out of shape, approaching 40 year-old person would do.  I told the lifeguard on her.

He seems equally aghast, along with multiple people along the pool side.  Two older women directly behind us, had their hands over their mouths.  One gentleman near us was standing ready to act, if needed, once that baby flipped the raft.

The sweet lifeguard walked over and told her that she MUST be in the water with her children and that she can't be more than an arms length from her infant. 

When her paramour arrived I was sitting on the edge of the pool and overheard this conversation.

"That lifeguard is such a dickhead.  He told me I needed to be in the water WITH the baby.  I mean, I was sitting right there the entire time.  She's in a G**DAMN float.  What does he think is gonna happen?"

He thinks she's gonna drown and you should too!