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Friday, August 19, 2011

Poolside Perspective: What I learned (the final installment)

It is time once again to talk about what we have learned at the pool.

Sadly, with school right around the corner, this will be the season finale of the Poolside Perspective and because of that, I thought I would recap each of the past seven posts.

I started this column on July 1st as an alternative to my widely popular (at least in my mind) Lessons from the Lunchlady and don't fret, those will be returning next week with a new recap on lunchlady training.

Week One: We learned that some people are incompetent assholes, that swimsuits are available in sizes large enough to cover your areolas, that table dancing and dunking the elderly are frowned upon, that monokinis disgust me and that wearing a swimsuit with an American Flag pattern would likely offend Betsy Ross.

Week Two:  We learned that going to the pool on field trip day should be avoided at all costs, that, in my opinion, hugely pregnant women should not wear bikinis, that making out in the deep end is gross no matter what your age, that drunk tattoos are even more noticeable at the pool and that, for goodness sake, if your friends towel and chair are still there when you leave, you may want to do a head count.

Week Three:  We learned that crack is not just a street drug, that tiny toads and pool filters aren't friends, that big chested women like tiny swim tops, that changing your name to Bob Marley can be fun, and that B and I are starting our own synchronized swiming team once we stop fighting over who gets to wear the arm floaties.

Week four:  We learned that some people mark their pool spot like dogs mark telephone pools, we realized that butterflies are not one of God's smartest creatures, we came to terms with friends vs. siblings, we popped three rafts, and we watched as other people's children ate our pool toys.

Week Five:  We saw a toddler in a monokini, we realized that cheese fries are addicting, we learned a new word, we were attacked by umbrellas, and we witness idiots planking.

Week 6:  We came to terms with our pathetic swim bag, we lamented about black socks and sandals, we talked about the dreaded green carpet, we enjoyed a few cloudy days, and we decided that voice volume should be part of the lifeguard test.

Week 7:  Finally we discussed why making your own bathing suit could never be a good idea, why pre-teen boys with hair down to their asses can cause gender confusion, why wrapping your child in bubble wrap won't keep him safe, how the pool water in August can't be THAT cold and also why rubbing lotion on your friend will only encourage your stalker.

In conclusion, I have had a fantastic time at the pool this summer.  I have learned so much.  My body is tan and my wallet is empty.

Cheese fries and sunscreen aren't cheap.

8 random thoughts:

DeepBlue said...

I wish you a wonderful school year filled with amazing revelations!

Now, I let you go back to the thrilling, headache-causing game of "school supply shopping" !!!
Hugs
Jon

David Allen Waters said...

I'm gonna miss the poolside, but am looking forward to the adventures of the lunchlady :)

happy friday my friend

Becca said...

Who said summer breaks aren't educational?!!! Looking forward to your lunchlady posts!

Kristie Maynard said...

Sorry to see Poolside Perspectives and your summer end. But I will be looking forward to hearing what you learn in the lunchroom this year. Always something to learn!

Randi said...

I love your pool posts! They make me wish I had finally given in and gone to the pool at least ONCE this summer. :)

Jessica said...

Yum, cheese fries and still laughing at week one and the bikini coverage issue. Visiting from TRDC and so glad I did!

Nicole Rivera said...

This is so much fun. I am going to have to go back to each week and read the lessons all the way through, as this is my first visit (from WOE). However, that being said, I feel like a got a great picture of your fun in the sun this summer! I hope your tan doesn't fade too quickly - I know school lighting doesn't really pay complements to any skin tone! :P

Jenners said...

This was a great series … so I hope you keep your membership to the pool for next summer!

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kisatrtle
I'm a 41 year old (gasp) freelance writer, school cafeteria manager, wife and mother. I have three children and one anxious and overweight beagle. I use my blog to make others laugh, to share some cool crafts, to document my lunchlady adventures and to lament about the challenges faced by us all on the journey called life. Thanks for visiting. Please leave some crack...um...I meant some comments.
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