My sporadic posting is definitely a sign that I need to take a small blogging break.  I promise to come back fresh and new after the holidays.

I promise to enlighten you with all of our numerous holiday adventures that usually include up to four Christmases, a sprinkle of Prozac and a large quantity of alcohol.

Of course, Lessons from the Lunch lady will make her triumphant return come January.

Once 2010 is wrapped up and stuffed under the tree, I will return with my 2011 goals and give you an update on that 50,000 word novel I wrote in November.

I'm also hard at work thinking up some other recurring columns that we can toss around in the new year.

Till then my friends--Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  I miss you all and promise to virtually visit real soon.

I, like usual, am behind on my life.

I am certain that I have been late to everything for more than a week.

Today was our Christmas holiday meal at work and I could barely muster up enough energy to dress like Santa and serve the kids the same thing I served them at Thanksgiving.

Stupid Stuffing Balls.

I don't want to see gravy for at least a month.

That being said I'm still not completely done Christmas shopping.  I still have to find something for my husband.  I have very little wrapped.  I have unfinished craft projects.

I'm celebrating with my mom and step dad this weekend and I can't remember where I hid their presents.

I really need a day off.

Things that make me feel angsty (ie: fear, anxiety, rage)

1. Kids who don't have winter coats.  We live in Pennsylvania.  This is NOT acceptable.  Talk to your social worker.  Visit a clothing bank.   Sign up for an angel tree gift.  Ask the cafeteria staff.  They are softies.
2. Parents who don't get their children off the bus.  Seriously?  It's one thing to have a lazy elf on a shelf who forgets to relocate.  It's a whole other thing to completely fail to get your five year old off the bus.
3. 500 students signed up for Christmas help.  I think I'm sad because I can only help 3.  I think I'm fearful because there may be some without help. On the list of one of my three?  A coat.
4. Cheese sandwiches.  Unpaid cafeteria bills result in cheese sandwiches.

What is eating you?

Dear Max,

Are you not feeling well?  Have you forgotten your purpose?

You are supposed to relocate every night.  You are supposed to be in a new spot every  morning.  You spy on my family and you report back to Santa.  This isn't a hard job.

Why have you been failing at your only job?

The book clearly says that your moving about will become a wonderful family tradition. 

My kids are convinced you are dead. 

Does that sound like a fun family tradition?

Even though we have set the alarms on our phones to "remind" you to move, you still forget to relocate more often than I care to mention.

All I can say is come on man!  Enough is enough.

Get your red-tight-wearing-tiny-little-ass to a new spot tomorrow or else!  I'm gonna contact your boss, you know the big fat jolly guy, and demand a new elf.

Preferably one that isn't dead!

In January I posted some ambitious goals for the new year.  Seeing as the year is about to end I figured now is a good time to review them and see how pathetic I truly am many I accomplished.

Let's review:

1. Write More.  Accomplished!  I participated in NaNoWriMo and wrote 50,000 words during the month of November.  This far exceeds the 10,000 I was shooting for.
2. Craft More.  Accomplished! I crafted, but not as much as I wanted too.
3. Yell less.  Failed.  I may be incapable of accomplishing this one.
4. Eat Better.  Failed.    I want to mark this as accomplished but that doesn't feel honest.  However, I can say with utmost certainty that I eat healthier than all the other lunchladies in my building.
5. Walk more.  Started out strong but then failed. I blame this on the fact that I lost my really cool pedometer.  I probably shouldn't admit this but since we are friends I feel like I can tell you--I jumped in the pool while wearing it and never found it again.  Sad but true.
6. Eliminate some clutter.  FAILED.  And yes...I am shouting.  It may be time to call in an expert and by expert I mean get one of those dumpsters and sit it in my driveway until I throw some shit out.
7. Get organized.  Failed.  Is it possible to be incapable of organization?  I mean I can't keep anything organized. Not my thoughts, not my kids, not my crafts.  Nothing.  Nada. Not even this blog post.
8. Quality time.  Accomplished.  I set a goal of spending a little alone time with each kid and a little alone time with my husband once a month.  I'm not sure I accomplished this every month, but I did a lot better than I did in 2009.
9. See Family.  Accomplished.  We saw my husband's family a lot more than we saw my family, but it wasn't for lack of trying. 
10. Plan Some Day Trips.  Accomplished.  We went to Hershey and it was actually fun.  I went to a scrapbook convention with my mom outside of Washington.  Hubby and I spent a weekend in State College.  I went to the beach twice with friends.  We went to North Carolina for the Juvenile Diabetes walk.  I'm planning a day trip to a craft warehouse over the Christmas holiday and we will likely go to Christmas Wonderland in Lancaster too.

All things considered I didn't do too bad.  I'm looking forward to making a list and checking it twice this January.  Will I put get organized on again?  Only if I'm organized enough to remember too.

And quite frankly that isn't looking good.

It's funny how much you can learn when you are forced to be in charged.  My stint as cafeteria manager continues as I learned this week that my boss cannot return until after the Christmas break.

That being said, I now have to handle the Christmas holiday meal; which includes stuffing balls.  I really don't like stuffing balls.  The good news is that a new sub will be helping me beginning Monday.  This, quite frankly, is the only news that is keeping me from drinking heavily.

I learned this week that kindergartners will stand at the condiment table until someone puts a rice krispy treat on their tray.  When asked why they didn't just get one and go they will say "I can't pick it up whiles I'm holding my food."  They will say this with a look on their face to indicate that they now believe that you have just asked them the most idiotic question of the day.

I learned that when working with two substitutes you need to be extremely specific.  For example, you can not say things like "Use a one ounce scoop and a two ounce cup and give the kids a heaping scoop of nacho cheese."  If you say that your sub will overflow the two ounce cups and say "That's what you said to do."

Really?  I said overflow the cheese cups that we are going to hand to 5 year olds after they have been in the warmer?  That's doesn't sound like something I would say.

I learned that just when you think you've heard everything your sub will berate a teacher right in front of her class because her students weren't in line properly.  You will then be forced to confront your sub and explain to her how to speak to people as if she were a 1st grade student.

I learned that after encouraging your sub to apologize to said offended teacher that they may write a note to said teacher that says things like "I am sorre that I was not nice."  You will then realize that your sub is functionally illiterate and that by reporting her to the administration you may have contributed to her likely termination.

This revelation will not make you feel like a good person, even though you did nothing wrong.

I learned that even after having one of the craziest days in the cafeteria to date that you can still be surprised.  In fact it is possible that the company who provides your milk will show up just as you are about to leave and indicate that they have to take your chocolate milk because, get this, it contains some eggnog.

Your heart will race trying to quickly ascertain as to whether or not you may just have inadvertently given eggs to a child with an egg allergy.  You will sigh with relief that you do not have an egg allergy in your building.

I learned that when chocolate milk is not offered at breakfast kids will cry.  They also will not take white milk and you will have to walk around the cafeteria making sure that everyone eating has something to drink.

After a week like this one, I learned that improvisation is a lunch ladies most vital tool.

What did you learn this week?

My husband likes to plan surprise trips.  He took me to New York last year; this year we went to State College.  I know what your thinking.  State College?

It's hard for me to admit this, but until this past weekend I'd never been there. 

We went to the last Penn State game of the season.  It was cold, but it was still fun.


We acted like college kids all weekend.  We had a drink with pretty  much every meal and we didn't cook a thing.

Now I can cross Penn State game off my bucket list.

Tell me something simple that you'd like to cross off your bucket list before the end of the year.