• Monokinis are mocking me.   I have already lamented about these dreadful swimsuits and this week I had the pleasure of seeing a toddler in one.  Seriously?  Have you lost your butterfly size mind? 
• Concessions are addicting.  Apparently the most disgusting of concession stand foods is more appealing than whatever Mommy has packed in the cooler.
• "Devious" is the new IT word.  My son has started calling everything devious.  My favorite line from the Princess Bride, "I do not think that word means what you think that word means" comes to mind often as I listen to him.  "That slide is devious."  "That diving board is devious."  "That little girl's eyes are devious."  Okay...he may have been on to something with that last one.
• Umbrellas are temperamental.  As we were leaving for the day, a big gust of wind picked up one of the picnic table umbrellas, tossed it over the fence into the parking lot and directly onto of my son.  Like an episode of Bay Watch, cute & petite lifeguards (with 0% body fat) rushed to our van.  Both the van and my son were unharmed.
• Planking.  I am finding this unusual activity somewhat annoying.  I watched at the pool as two grown adults decided to have their pictures taken planking both the high dive and the low dive.  Needless to say, it wouldn't surprise me if their kid was a toddler in the monokini.

As my handful of regular readers know, during the school year I like to enlighten my readers every Friday with my Lessons_from_the_Lunchlady column.

Seeing as school has been out for three glorious weeks, I though today would be a good day to introduce a new column...Poolside Perspective.

A few of you may be familiar with my my_summer_goals one of which is to sit poolside with my BFF and eat cheese fries. Here's a few things we learned.

Some people are assholes. Of course I am referring to this amazingly_incompetent_mother who thought her infant would "just know" how to stay in the center of her baby seat. It makes me think that I may not be failing_my_parenting_class after all.

Swimsuits are available bigger. Let's be honest, no one wants to admit that they may need a bigger size. However, wearing something too small only makes the problem worse. Here's a simple checklist: Are my nipples showing? If these bottoms get wet will I still be able to get take them off. We come in many shapes and sizes. Embrace the size you are and remember: you are someones super model

Appropriate vs not appropriate. Seems my kids were stuggling with this concept all week. Little G danced on a picnic table like a rapper, Middle G had trouble playing nicely with more than one person, and I actually had to explain to my oldest why dunking people over 60 with your entire 100 pound frame may be considered annoying.

Oh say can you see. In my opinion, I don't think when Betsy Ross was sewing the flag she was sitting on her porch thinking, "Wow, I hope someone wears this as a swimsuit." ugh. Just barely covering your nipples and your butt with the American flag is offensive to me.

Monokinis should be outlawed. Unless you are a supermodel AND OVER THE AGE OF 21, you should not be wearing one of these. Oldest G has a 12 year old friend with one of these suits. Not appropriate.

In conclusion, the pool has been an educational place this week. We learned what not to wear, that table dancing should be left for clubbing, that dunking the elderly should only happen on SNL and that leaving your infant in a flotation device while texting is frowned upon.

What did you learn this week?