As my handful of regular readers know, during the school year I like to enlighten my readers every Friday with my Lessons_from_the_Lunchlady column.

Seeing as school has been out for three glorious weeks, I though today would be a good day to introduce a new column...Poolside Perspective.

A few of you may be familiar with my my_summer_goals one of which is to sit poolside with my BFF and eat cheese fries. Here's a few things we learned.

Some people are assholes. Of course I am referring to this amazingly_incompetent_mother who thought her infant would "just know" how to stay in the center of her baby seat. It makes me think that I may not be failing_my_parenting_class after all.

Swimsuits are available bigger. Let's be honest, no one wants to admit that they may need a bigger size. However, wearing something too small only makes the problem worse. Here's a simple checklist: Are my nipples showing? If these bottoms get wet will I still be able to get take them off. We come in many shapes and sizes. Embrace the size you are and remember: you are someones super model

Appropriate vs not appropriate. Seems my kids were stuggling with this concept all week. Little G danced on a picnic table like a rapper, Middle G had trouble playing nicely with more than one person, and I actually had to explain to my oldest why dunking people over 60 with your entire 100 pound frame may be considered annoying.

Oh say can you see. In my opinion, I don't think when Betsy Ross was sewing the flag she was sitting on her porch thinking, "Wow, I hope someone wears this as a swimsuit." ugh. Just barely covering your nipples and your butt with the American flag is offensive to me.

Monokinis should be outlawed. Unless you are a supermodel AND OVER THE AGE OF 21, you should not be wearing one of these. Oldest G has a 12 year old friend with one of these suits. Not appropriate.

In conclusion, the pool has been an educational place this week. We learned what not to wear, that table dancing should be left for clubbing, that dunking the elderly should only happen on SNL and that leaving your infant in a flotation device while texting is frowned upon.

What did you learn this week?

Have you ever seen this show?  It's called What Would You Do? and it basically puts people in awkward situations and secretly videotapes them to see what you would do. 

For example, I have seen episodes where a little boy is begging his dad for a Barbie and he is having a nervous breakdown about it.  I have seen episodes where an asshole slips something into his dates drink while she is in the bathroom and the cameras patiently wait to see if anyone will tell her.  I have seen the episode where they make it appear that there is a tiny infant locked in a hot car.

Quite frankly, this show is disturbing on many levels and yesterday I was convinced that I was on an episode.

I can't be sure if I am happy or disappointed that I wasn't.

Here is the scenario...

I am at a public pool with my kiddos.  My kiddos are swimming and I am relaxing in my beach chair, sharing a quiet moment with some friends.

Enter young mother with two children.  One child is around 3 and the other is a tiny baby, no more than 6 months old.  Young mother walks down to the pool edge directly in front of us and lifts her toddler into the water.  Then she get out one of these, which may or may not have been recently recalled.


She puts her baby in the float AND LAYS DOWN ON HER TOWEL NEXT TO THE POOL AND STARTS TEXTING ON HER PHONE.

Are you kidding me?

You aren't going to get in the water?

You are just gonna let your baby, who is now leaning precariously to one side just float around in the public pool? 

I am about to fight her when it dawns on me that she is a beautiful, 20-something, multi-pierced Latino who could easily kick my ass.  I do what any reasonable out of shape, approaching 40 year-old person would do.  I told the lifeguard on her.

He seems equally aghast, along with multiple people along the pool side.  Two older women directly behind us, had their hands over their mouths.  One gentleman near us was standing ready to act, if needed, once that baby flipped the raft.

The sweet lifeguard walked over and told her that she MUST be in the water with her children and that she can't be more than an arms length from her infant. 

When her paramour arrived I was sitting on the edge of the pool and overheard this conversation.

"That lifeguard is such a dickhead.  He told me I needed to be in the water WITH the baby.  I mean, I was sitting right there the entire time.  She's in a G**DAMN float.  What does he think is gonna happen?"

He thinks she's gonna drown and you should too!

This is the birthday invitation I made for Middle G's 10th birthday party. She wanted to have a tie dye theme. I had a lot of trouble finding tie dye paper, so I made the paper by photocopying one of the birthday napkins. I think it turned out great and would use that method again in the future.

The turtle is from the Best of Pixar cricut cart. For obvious reasons, I am a little partial to Squirt. Middle G loved the saying and told everyone, even random strangers, what her birthday invites said.

Thanks for stopping by. Leave a comment and let me know what you think. If you are posting a craft today, I'd love to come over and see it.

I had a biopsy done today.

Does that sound like a PSA for skin cancer? Imagine my surprise when I realized it was.

That's when I thought "Just how many signs do you need?"

I called the doctor and I went today. I figured she'd tell me I was overreacting but she agreed with my assessment. Suspicious. She said she needed to biopsy it right away. She numbed the area and cut a chunk out of my shoulder.

Then I was given a "wound care" handout. Until then I was under the impression that she just scrapped off some skin. Nope. Apparently they don't want it to scab. Ummmm...okay? I am supposed to clean it out everyday and apply petroleum jelly. That sounds....um...pleasant.

I won't hear anything for at least a week. Of course, given the fact that Monday is the 4th of July, I am anticipating a longer wait.

Waiting sucks almost as much as the word biopsy.

The cabin

Our week of roughing it is over and when I say roughing it I really mean listening to my children whine about why there is no TV and how come they aren't allowed to play with the ipad.  We stayed in a modern cabin this year, complete with electricity, a fridge, a stove, a shower, a flushing toilet and actual beds.

I know what you are thinking, that's not exactly camping, but it is the kind of camping I grew up with.  The kind of camping I did with my grandparents and it was a nice way for my kids to get to camp with their grandparents.  I mean, my MIL is 70, and she doesn't want to have to walk some creepy path in the forest to go to the bathroom in the  middle of the night any more than I do.

me and my hubby...um yeah

Big G, middle G, Cabin Kid #1, Cabin Kid #2, Little G in the sand

Little G with Chicken the Cat

Middle G with her really big catch

two of mine and two of my friends

Middle G, with Miss K and Crazy B

I decided to sign up for a small group at our church entitled "Effective Parenting in a Defective World" and so far I'm convinced that I am failing.

Here's why. 

Last week we covered eight areas we could focus on.  Seeing as I had no paper (and I call myself a journalist) and couldn't write anything down, I will hit the highlights. 



This week we were supposed to report the results.  Of course, this week coincided with the first week of summer vacation so as you can imagine parenting has been a breeze **insert sarcasm font**

1. Spending quality time.  Does going with mom to the OBGYN count as spending quality time with me?  Don't spit out your coffee, the girls stayed in the waiting room (Little G was at a bday party).  If tagging along with me to the doctors doesn't qualify than insert EPIC FAIL here.
2. Praying for party guests.  I have this image of parents around the world holding hands with their kids and praying earnestly about world peace and the end of suffering for all kids worldwide.  This week I selfishly prayed that guests would actually show up for Middle Gs birthday party.  No one from her school class RSVPd and I have to admit that visions of us sitting at the pool with nary a guest in sight were causing me to have some sleepless nights.
3. Making eye contact while screaming.  I am pretty sure when Chip Ingram was talking about the importance of eye contact he wasn't talking about me in my 12 year olds face asking why she insists on being a bully with her siblings.  Why can't we just get along?
4. Clear expectations.  In my mind, my expectations are clear.  At the pool, the only rule is NO DROWNING.  At home, in public, in life, the rules are clear.    These rules include treat each other they way you would like to be treated (FAIL),  No hitting (FAIL), speak to each other with respect (FAIL), if you get it out, put it back (FAIL), keep your room clean (FAIL).  I guess I should be happy that no one has drown.
5. The Perfect family. The facilitator this week told us to ask our kids what the perfect family looks like to them.  My sons answer "The perfect family has never heard of boy scouts and doesn't have to go.  There's no fighting and everyone loves each other."  I said I liked that last part about no fighting and everyone loving each other and he said "So you like your life?  I thought you didn't."  OUCH insert yet another EPIC FAIL.