Did you ever wish that some people you knew had to take a class in what was appropriate conversation and what was not?

For example, today at the cafeteria, a substitute aide started a conversation with me by saying, "I thought I had a hemorrhoid but..."

Now I knew this wasn't going to be headed in a place I wanted to go but was at a loss as to how to stop it.

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to offer some etiquette tips.

What not to say...

• unless asked, all medical procedures should not be discussed.
• Never, under any circumstances, should you start a sentence with "I thought I had a hemorrhoid but..."
• your sex life is of no interest to me.
• please refrain from telling me who your ex is currently "banging".
• and, as always, discussing politics can lead to the loss of friends.

What you CAN say...

• Are we really going to get 2 feet of snow this weekend?
• Did you try the tangerine chicken? What did you think?
• That new episode of LOST was mind blowing. Did you watch it?
• When will GLEE's second season start?
• Seen anything weird at Walmart lately?

Can you see the difference?

If you know anyone who could benefit from this post, lead the way.

I started thinking the other day about all the things I say.

All the things I repeat.

Which, of course, lead me to all the things I say that I never thought I'd say...

This is just an "off the top of my head" list and by no mean constitutes a complete compliation.

1. "Don't touch the dog's penis."
2. "Do not kiss each other with your tongues. That is how animals kiss."
3. "Eating things off the bottom of your shoes is not acceptable."
4. "If you find gum under a table, it is not free candy."
5. "Do not ever let me catch you biting your toe nails again."
6. "The dog is not playing with you when he tries to get on your back.  Do not let him do that EVER again."
7. "Butts just get ichy.  I do not know why."
8. "Spongebob's friend, Patrick, is not a giant tongue.  He is a starfish."
9. "We do not flush potatoes down the toliet.  Even if they fit in the hole, they still get stuck!"
10. "Was whatever you just put in your mouth food?"

What are some things you've said that you never thought you would?

• Working in the cafeteria can be loud, distracting and fast paced; what qualifies you for this type of work? Me: "I've been home with children for nearly eleven years. Loud, distracting and fast paced describes my every day life.
• How are you a team player? Me: "I'm good at following directions? I listen to everything Mama Kat says....LOL"
• Name three words your friends would use to describe you? Me: self-centered, moody and slightly absentminded popped into my head but I went with Funny, energetic and dependable.

That one may have been an over kill. Oh well.

This post is part of Mama Kat's writer's workshop? Are you playing along?

• I really thought you would have published a book by now. You were so passionate about it. What happened?
• What have you done to your hair? You always hated short hair?
• I'm surprised, but kind of happy, that you decided to stay at home to raise your kids.
• You really don't talk to anyone from high school? Just occasionally on Facebook? What's Facebook?
• You made a good choice in husbands.

Five things I would tell my high school self.

• All of those kids that picked on you for being tiny, short and small-breasted are now fat and miserable and desperate to be your friend.
• Smoking never made you look cool, just uneducated.
• Dark eyeliner does not bring out the green in your eyes, but it does, on the other hand, make you look strikingly like Ozzy Osbourne.
• Staying at home with your kids is a more fulfilling career than any 8-5 job.
• Hang out with your sister more, you are going to miss seeing her when you are both adults.

What conversations would you have with your former self?