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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Struggling with Selfishness

I like to keep this blog generally lighthearted but sometimes you just need to vent. Venting by nature isn't very lighthearted.

About a week ago, I learned that my former pastor committed suicide.

That was a bit of a sucker punch.

Here's some back story. When we first moved to Pennsylvania in 2005 we struggled with finding a church that fit us. The church family we left behind in Ohio was difficult to replace. The area we moved to wasn't exactly overly welcoming.

We church hoped for a while.

We stayed at Church A for about a year...visited Church B and Church C. And then we found Church D.

Church D seemed welcoming. Not too small, not too big and plenty of children our children's age. We weren't planning on driving nearly 25 minutes every Sunday morning, but we really liked the place.

We grew to respect the pastor as well as his wife and children.

We stopped church hopping and settled there but after attending, as well as volunteering, we were unable to truly connect. We always felt like we couldn't really breach the inner circle. We were kind of on the outside looking in, no matter what we did.

We left.

It wasn't because of the pastor.

It wasn't because of the congregation.

It was simply because we weren't getting our needs met.

We started at Church E and ended up at Church F. We are still at Church F and we have been there for about a year and half now. Hubby seems to have found his inner circle. I'm not sure if I'm still looking for mine.

A few months ago, around Christmas, we found out that the Pastor at Church D wasn't who he was portraying himself to be. He was unfaithful in his marriage and was involved with some women at the church. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

It felt like a sucker punch.

Granted, we were no longer attending there. However, it felt like everything he had ever said was just a bunch of crap. How could he preach about love and grace while he was stepping out on his wife? On his children? How could he marry our good friends and not repect the vow he was instating.

Still when my hubby told me that he decided to end his own life, it felt like he sucker punched me again.

He made a mistake and it cost him his family.

A mistake that he apparently could not forgive himself for.

It pains me that he lost everything because of his own selfishness. His own need. He leaves behind three beautiful teenage daughters who could have learned how to forgive and move on.

Now that option is gone.

If I'm confused, I can't even fathom what they must be thinking.

7 random thoughts:

Anonymous said...

I read this with tears...for many fatheer was a pastor, he was horrible but preached the love of God...second my best friend killed herself, I am still not over it, I dont understand, It hurts...

I pray for this family, may they find some peace, and for you as well my friend...


Connie said...

What a tragic story! My heart goes out to his family, and aches for him.

Poolside with the Girls said...

I'll never understand suicide. People must be so tormented. Two of my friends have committed suicide. Both have left family and friends so confused and so hurt that they can't even see straight. Years of agony follows. It's the ultimate act of selfishness.

I try not to make judging people my lifes work, but it sounds like this guy was as selfish as they come.

I hope you find peace and I hope the same for his family. As if his cheating wasn't enough to saddle them with.

Sad situation.

Becca said...

Wow. I am left speechless. All I can say is that I am sorry. I can't understand it.

Jenners said...

Wow. That is some big time stuff. I can't even imagine what he went through and his family and the church community.

And always vent if you need to.

septembermom said...

That's terrible. I'm saddened to read this.

Jenny Girl said...

I'm very sorry to read this and understand why you are so upset. Besides the church hopping which can get frustrating, this person represented himself to be something he is not. Then after everything, his poor family must endure more loss and grief.
It is just a terrible situation that everyone has every right to be angry over. All you can do is be there for the family and one another. Showing support and praying can be the best balm for this open wound.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

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I'm a 41 year old (gasp) freelance writer, school cafeteria manager, wife and mother. I have three children and one anxious and overweight beagle. I use my blog to make others laugh, to share some cool crafts, to document my lunchlady adventures and to lament about the challenges faced by us all on the journey called life. Thanks for visiting. Please leave some meant some comments.
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