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Friday, December 19, 2008

A Letter to the Fat Guy

Dear Santa,

In five days, seeing as I don't have a chimney or a fireplace, you will be breaking into my house. To commemorate the occasion I thought I'd shoot you a list. Since we are in a recession and all, I thought I'd do my best to keep the cost down, so here is my grown up Christmas list.

First, can you help me to convince my five year old that the childcare center at the gym is fun. He has been picked on there repeatedly by one little brat in particular and Mommy is close to finding out just how much free weight little Timmy the bully can hold without a spotter. In your honest opinion, is it wrong to teach little G how to throw a left hook?

Speaking of bullies, there are a few mean girls my daughter has run into as of late and they too need a lesson. I'm secretly hoping that you will replace their shampoo with Elmer's glue. I know it is wrong, but they did give my sweet daughter a dog biscuit and tell her it was a graham cracker. I've always been a strong believer in what goes around, comes around. Don't you agree, Santa.

Another item on my list is a house elf. I'm really in need of someone to help out around here and it seems as if my family members can't be relied upon for anything other than complaints. Not a complimentor in the group.

Since you seem to have a plethora of elves, I thought there might be one up there that might not be the best toy maker but loves to clean toilets and make dinner. It wouldn't cost you a dime and I promise to take good care of him or her.

That about sums up my list. Feel free to slip some chocolate into the stocking.

Jingle all the way,

Me

3 random thoughts:

MaryNSC said...

U just make my day!! If they come to your house give them my address to PLEASE!!
AS for the BULLIES.. I cant write what I want to say.. O as for the Chocolate YEA BABY!!LOLOL
Luvs U
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Jenners said...

Love the opening of the letter!
And that is my worst fear ... that my child will be picked on by bullies. Or that HE will be a bully. Good luck with that ... I would have a hard time not doing something to those girls who tortured your daughter. A pox on them!

K said...

I see you also wrote to Santa.

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

I hope you get everything on your list - the house elf would definitely help.

(for the record, I don't think it's wrong to teach them how to throw a left hook. My mom always said - never throw the first punch, it's okay to throw the last one).

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kisatrtle
I'm a 41 year old (gasp) freelance writer, school cafeteria manager, wife and mother. I have three children and one anxious and overweight beagle. I use my blog to make others laugh, to share some cool crafts, to document my lunchlady adventures and to lament about the challenges faced by us all on the journey called life. Thanks for visiting. Please leave some crack...um...I meant some comments.
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