I like to keep this blog generally lighthearted but sometimes you just need to vent. Venting by nature isn't very lighthearted.

About a week ago, I learned that my former pastor committed suicide.

That was a bit of a sucker punch.

Here's some back story. When we first moved to Pennsylvania in 2005 we struggled with finding a church that fit us. The church family we left behind in Ohio was difficult to replace. The area we moved to wasn't exactly overly welcoming.

We church hoped for a while.

We stayed at Church A for about a year...visited Church B and Church C. And then we found Church D.

Church D seemed welcoming. Not too small, not too big and plenty of children our children's age. We weren't planning on driving nearly 25 minutes every Sunday morning, but we really liked the place.

We grew to respect the pastor as well as his wife and children.

We stopped church hopping and settled there but after attending, as well as volunteering, we were unable to truly connect. We always felt like we couldn't really breach the inner circle. We were kind of on the outside looking in, no matter what we did.

We left.

It wasn't because of the pastor.

It wasn't because of the congregation.

It was simply because we weren't getting our needs met.

We started at Church E and ended up at Church F. We are still at Church F and we have been there for about a year and half now. Hubby seems to have found his inner circle. I'm not sure if I'm still looking for mine.

A few months ago, around Christmas, we found out that the Pastor at Church D wasn't who he was portraying himself to be. He was unfaithful in his marriage and was involved with some women at the church. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

It felt like a sucker punch.

Granted, we were no longer attending there. However, it felt like everything he had ever said was just a bunch of crap. How could he preach about love and grace while he was stepping out on his wife? On his children? How could he marry our good friends and not repect the vow he was instating.

Still when my hubby told me that he decided to end his own life, it felt like he sucker punched me again.

He made a mistake and it cost him his family.

A mistake that he apparently could not forgive himself for.

It pains me that he lost everything because of his own selfishness. His own need. He leaves behind three beautiful teenage daughters who could have learned how to forgive and move on.

Now that option is gone.

If I'm confused, I can't even fathom what they must be thinking.