A Letter to the Fat Guy

Dear Santa,

In five days, seeing as I don't have a chimney or a fireplace, you will be breaking into my house. To commemorate the occasion I thought I'd shoot you a list. Since we are in a recession and all, I thought I'd do my best to keep the cost down, so here is my grown up Christmas list.

First, can you help me to convince my five year old that the childcare center at the gym is fun. He has been picked on there repeatedly by one little brat in particular and Mommy is close to finding out just how much free weight little Timmy the bully can hold without a spotter. In your honest opinion, is it wrong to teach little G how to throw a left hook?

Speaking of bullies, there are a few mean girls my daughter has run into as of late and they too need a lesson. I'm secretly hoping that you will replace their shampoo with Elmer's glue. I know it is wrong, but they did give my sweet daughter a dog biscuit and tell her it was a graham cracker. I've always been a strong believer in what goes around, comes around. Don't you agree, Santa.

Another item on my list is a house elf. I'm really in need of someone to help out around here and it seems as if my family members can't be relied upon for anything other than complaints. Not a complimentor in the group.

Since you seem to have a plethora of elves, I thought there might be one up there that might not be the best toy maker but loves to clean toilets and make dinner. It wouldn't cost you a dime and I promise to take good care of him or her.

That about sums up my list. Feel free to slip some chocolate into the stocking.

Jingle all the way,

Me